Flirting Academy joke collection - flirting tips

 First for Flirting - UK's only Flirting Academy

Safe Sex!!!!

Many of these jokes are sexist. I have endeavoured to be fair in my sexism, we take the p*** out of men, women -  EVERYONE!

Sex Lessons for Women| Language of the Sexes | Swami Beyondananda | Sillies| |Jokes about men | Jokes about women | More jokes about women | If men and women swapped [rude] |Why trail bikes are better than women | |Why bikes are better than men|  Deep thoughts |More men jokes | 100 reasons why its good to be a girl | Top ten things men know about women | Marriage Jokes | Get stuffed | Prejudice at work? | Spiritual fun |

The makers of KY Jelly have just announced that their product is finally year 2000 compliant. It is to be rebranded as Y2KY.
The new formulation now allows you to insert four digits into your date where before you could only insert two.

Learn to influence just about anyone . If you want to learn from a master of influence and persuasion, you can TRY THIS LINK.  Kendrick Cleveland has some fantastic products that will teach you how to use language to sell, seduce and more

Prejudice at Work?

THE FAMILY PICTURE IS ON HIS DESK:
He must be a solid, responsible family man.
THE FAMILY PICTURE IS ON HER DESK:
She probably puts her family before her career.

HIS DESK IS CLUTTERED:
He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
HER DESK IS CLUTTERED:
She's obviously a disorganized scatterbrain.

HE IS TALKING WITH HIS CO-WORKERS:
He must be discussing the latest deal.
SHE IS TALKING WITH HER CO-WORKERS:
She must be gossiping.

HE'S NOT IN THE OFFICE:
He's meeting a customer.
SHE'S NOT IN THE OFFICE:
She must be out shopping.

HE'S HAVING LUNCH WITH THE BOSS:
He's on his way up.
SHE'S HAVING LUNCH WITH THE BOSS:
They must be having an affair.

THE BOSS CRITICIZED HIM:
He'll improve his performance.
THE BOSS CRITICIZED HER:
She'll be very upset.

HE GOT AN UNFAIR DEAL:
Did he get angry?
SHE GOT AN UNFAIR DEAL:
Did she cry?

HE'S IN A BAD MOOD:
He must have too much work.
SHE'S IN A BAD MOOD:
Must be that time of the month!

HE'S GETTING MARRIED:
He'll get more settled.
SHE'S GETTING MARRIED:
She'll get pregnant and leave.

HE'S HAVING A BABY:
He'll need a raise.
SHE'S HAVING A BABY:
She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.

HE'S GOING ON A BUSINESS TRIP:
It's good for his career.
SHE'S GOING ON A BUSINESS TRIP:
What does her husband say?

HE'S LEAVING FOR A BETTER JOB:
He knows how to recognize a good opportunity.
SHE'S LEAVING FOR A BETTER JOB:
Women are not dependable

Now before you get angry, smile and realise that it's not a jibe against women, nor is it real.. but it does make you think how prejudice happens and how one thing could mean another depending on whom you are referring to.  Jokes can be hilarious provided you have a balanced outlook in reality.. peta

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HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 10 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:

English.......... I Love You

Spanish.......... Te Amo

French........... Je T'aime

German........... lch Liebe Dich

Japanese......... Ai Shite Imasu

Italian.......... Ti Amo

Chinese.......... Wo Ai Ni

Swedish.......... Jag Alskar Dig

Croatian......... Ja Te Volim

Australian....... Nice Tits

When God made Adam and Eve he asked them who wanted to have the amazing gift of standing up to pee.  Adam pushed past Eve, shouting at the top of his voice, " Me, me, oh please god let it be me.  Eve didn't feel she had a chance so she gave in.  While Adam was gloating at his prize, and spraying everything in sight.... God said, 'Well Eve, I suppose I'd better give you a little something  too. Adam looked smug but the look soon wore off his face when he heard what God had given Eve...

Multiple Orgasms!

They also serve who only SIT and wait!

Laugh at yourself and the world laughs with you not AT you!

Sex Lessons for Women
Joking apart -  within the folds of these words is some very useful information!
MILKING IT:
When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.

ROBOTS:
When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.

SILENT FRIGHT:
If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.

NO LAUGHING MATTER:
Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" or "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion". Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.

CLOSING UP:
If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.

POOR PRESENTATION:
Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.

HANGING AROUND:
When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises without thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.

BEING SHY:
Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love it. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.

BEING A DRIP:
You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.

CLOCK-WATCHING:
Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying "Are you going to come soon?". If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually and gifted human beings.

FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS:
Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

PLAYING DEAD:
Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skilful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.

BEING POSSESSIVE:
If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.

NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON:
Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.

SPITTING IT OUT:
When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.

INGRATITUDE:
Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if:
a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or:
b) you managed to achieve an orgasm.
A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.

SEEKING FAVOURS:
Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off in well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask "Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?". There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.

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Top ten things men know about women

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10. well I thought it was funny!

Marriage? - don't make me laugh!

1. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.  You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

2. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing  your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

3. After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

4. A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted." Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

5. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

6. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

7. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

8. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

9. How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

10. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Above sent to me by my friend Clifford who has the greatest men's seduction list on the net. Find out what guys really get up to!

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Men Jokes 

Men are like a fine wine. They start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? Close the door.

If they can put one man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.

How do you make your husband wake up with a smile on his face on
Monday morning? Tell him a joke on Friday night.

Why do men get married?
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.

What are a woman's four favourite animals? A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an ass to pay for it all.

What is gross stupidity? 144 men in one room.

How many men does it take to screw a light bulb? Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband? Miss her.

Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him.

He keeps a record of everything he eats. It's called a tie.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

What are the words women hate to hear when they are enjoying great sex?
"Honey! I'm home!"

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years? He wouldn't ask for directions.

Why did the blonde guy scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.

Men are like.....Place-mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Parking spots. The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

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The language of the sexes - What they really mean

Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game
on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.
=slang for 'monkey see monkey do'

Men's English:
I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired" = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal about
this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am
gay.

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Life is Bizarre don't you think

1. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

2. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

3. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

4. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

5. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

6. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

7. I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

8. So what's the speed of dark?

9. How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?
And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?

10. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

11. Why don't they just make mouse-flavoured cat food?

12. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
13. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

14. Why do they sterilise needles for lethal injections?

15. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

16. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

17. When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

18. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

19. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

20. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

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Women Jokes - sexist? I'll say!

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.
Q: What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
A: It took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.
Q: How do we know God is a man?
A: Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.
Q: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
A: Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.
Q: What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Q: What's the difference between a paycheque and your dick?
A: You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheque.
Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It's Braille for "suck here,"
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Q: Why is a hurricane like a women?
A: It starts with a great blow, but when it's over your house and car are gone.
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 5 years your job will still suck.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

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Why Trail Bikes are better than women

My trail biker boyfriend sent me this one - er um..

Trail Bikes don't snore.
Trail Bikes don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
Trail Bikes curves never sag.
Trail Bikes don't get pregnant.
Trail Bikes don't have parents.
Trail Bikes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
Trail Bikes don't care about how many other Trail Bikes you have ridden.
Trail Bikes don't care about how many other Trail Bikes you have.
Trail Bikes don't mind if you look at other Trail Bikes, or if you buy the TBM magazine. 
Trail Bikes always feel like going for a ride.
Trail Bikes don't care if you are late.
Trail Bikes always sound pleasant.
Your Trail Bike doesn't get mad when you ignore it for a month or so.
Your Trail Bike won't wake you up at 3:00 AM and ask you if you love it.
Your Trail Bike won't leave you for another rider.
Your Trail Bike never wants a night out alone with the other Trail Bikes.
Your Trail Bike doesn't care what you're wearing when you take it out.
If your Trail Bike makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
If your Trail Bike goes flat, you can fix it.
If your Trail Bike is too loose, you can tighten it.
If your Trail Bike doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can have a beer while riding your Trail Bike.
You don't have to look you best or have a shower before riding you Trail Bike 
You can ride a Trail Bike as long as you want and it won't get sore.
You can choke your Trail Bike.
You can kick your Trail Bike to wake it up.
You can ride your Trail Bike any time of the month.
You can share your Trail Bike with your friends.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Trail Bike.
You don't have to talk to your Trail Bike after you ride it.
If you say bad things to your Trail Bike, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again. 
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Trail Bike after you dump it. 
It's always OK to use tie downs on your Trail Bike.
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Trail Bike when the old one is really worn.
When riding, you and your Trail Bike both arrive at the same time. (well some of us anyway)
You can't get diseases from a Trail Bike you don't know very well.
Wearing two fresh rubbers makes riding a bike MORE enjoyable.

If men and women swapped genitals

Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for bananas and cucumbers
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half
8. See if they could finally do the splits
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first
3. Go to the gynaecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too:

And the NUMBER ONE thing men would do it they woke up with a vagina:

1. Finally find that damned G spot


Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:

10. Get (a) head faster in their career
9. Get a blow job
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm
4. Touch/adjust yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which
occurs when a man eyes the ruler situated next to his member
which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

And the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis

1. Repeat number 9.

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SWAMI BEYONDANANDA'S GUIDELINES FOR ENLIGHTENMENT

1. Be a Fundamentalist--make sure the Fun always comes before the mental. Realise that life is a situation comedy that will never be cancelled. A laugh track has been provided, and the reason why we are put in the material world is to get more
material. Have a good laughsitive twice a day, and that will
ensure regularhilarity.

2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift,
just for entering--so you are already a winner.

3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is
Tell-A-Vision. That is where I tell a vision to you and you
tell a vision to me. That way, if we don't like the
programming we're getting, we can simply change the channel.

4. Life is like photography. You use the negative to
develop. And, no matter what adversity you face, be
reassured: Of course God loves you--He's just not ready to
make a commitment.

5. It is true. As we go through life thinking heavy
thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between the
ears, causing a condition called truth decay. So be sure to
use mental floss twice a day. And when you're tempted to
practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in Swami's
Absurdiveness Training class: "Don't get even, get odd."

6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments
and truly live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you, you
no mad at me. That way, there'll surely be nomadness on the
planet. And peace begins with each of us. A little peace
here, a little peace there, pretty soon all the peaces will
fit together to make one big peace everywhere.

7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the
future, so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice
is simple. When you find a fault, just don't dwell on it.

8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is
toilet train the world, and we'll never have to change it
again.

9. If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have
some bad news and some good news. The bad news is---there is no key to the Universe. The good news is--it has been left unlocked.

10. Finally, everything I have told you is channeled. That
way, if you don't like it, it's not my fault. And remember,
enlightenment is not a bureaucracy. So, we don't have to go
through channels.

copyright 1995, 2000 by Steve [swami beyondananda]  Bhaerman. All rights reserved

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From a lady - why bikes are better than men

1. Bikes don't moan when they have to wear a protective cover.
2. You can get your leg over a bike & it's turned on instantly.
3. A bikes lubrication doesn't go all over the place.
4. If you dump your bike it doesn't keep phoning.
5. Bikes don't whinge when you pull the throttle a bit too hard.
6. Bikes don't expect a cooked breakfast in the morning.
7. Bikes don't burp, fart or snore.
8. A bike always satisfies.
9. Your bike can go all night without stopping.
10. Bikes don't mind going shopping and they happily wait for you.
11. Your bike doesn't expect you to cook or wash for it.
12. If your bikes rubber splits you don't have to take the morning after pill. 
13. You always know exactly where your bike is.
14. You can tighten your bikes nuts whenever you feel like it.
15. Bikes don't ask to be ridden when you're not in the mood.
16. You can ride your bike without the risk of getting pregnant.
17. It is cheaper to get your bike tanked than a man.
18. Your bike doesn't limp when not in use.
19. You only have to ride a bike when you feel like it.
20. You don't get called a tart if you want to give your bike a rub down in public. 
21. You can buy trick bits to make your bike go faster.
22. You can get the front end of your bike up with one twist of the wrist. 
23. A bike doesn't shrink when it gets cold or wet.
24. You can wear knee sliders when riding your bike to protect against burns. 
25. Your bike is guaranteed to have a big end!!
26. You can ride as many bikes as you can handle and not get called a slapper. 
27. You can ride a bike at any time of the month.
28. Bikes only leave skid marks on the road.
29. When you ride your bike you don't have to fake how much fun you're having, or tell it how good it was afterwards.
30. If your bike has a noisy bottom end you can do something about it. 
31. You can still ride your bike when it's completely tanked up.
32. Your bike doesn't complain about the way you ride it or park it afterwards.

Some Sillies

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next!"


Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself!!

Q: Why do seagulls have wings?
A: To beat the gypsies to the tip.

Q: What is the politically correct name for Lesbian
A: "Vagitarian"

Q: What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
A: When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you.

Q: What's got 90 balls and makes women sweat?
A: Bingo.

Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder

Q: What's 100yds long and smells of piss?
A: The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.

Q: What's green and gets you pissed?
A: A Giro

Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled "coping with darkness"

Q: What have the Gas Board and pelicans got in common?
A: They can both stick their bills up their arse.

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of the dog.

Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well endowed.

Q: Who is the only man, weighing over 11st, who has ridden a Derby winner,
since 1945?
A: Lester Piggott's cell mate.

Q: What does Joan Collins put behind her ears to attract men?
A: Her feet.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can get to sleep with a light on.

Q: How do you make a dog drink?
A: Put it in a liquidiser.

Q: How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's probably screwed in too tight anyway.

Q: What's got four legs and an arm?
A: A rottweiler.

Woman: "I've got acute angina".
Man: "Your tits aren't bad either".

Q: What do you do if your boiler explodes?
A: Buy her some flowers.

Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

Back to top

Deep Thoughts

Before criticising someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand? " You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful
flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's
carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is,"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my
first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant
and she fell on me? Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography and the dancers hit each other.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words
"mank"and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there,
in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good
books.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out
it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like
a regular window.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
putting on your armour because you were "just going down to the
corner."

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over
here,looking through your stuff.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground,and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.

Facts about Women

If a woman prepares dinner for you and there is no meat, don't ask if she forgot something in the oven.

The reason why people get married is that it takes both a man and a woman to remember important things. Single people have to work too hard at this.

Women remember things because of their emotional meaning; men remember things because they cost them money.

Women's self-confidence is proportional to the amount of time per day spent in front of a mirror. A man looks at a mirror to check his fly

When a man cooks for a woman, he feels proud. When a woman cooks for a man, she feels used. This is directly related to sex.

For a woman, a relationship has four stages: infatuation, sex, dis- illusion, breakup. For a man, a relationship has two stages: sex, breakup.

Women are better listeners than men. That's why men are always in trouble with women.

Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.

Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".

Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man *wants* to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.

Women think all beer is the same.

Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertain- ment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be.

If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day. [not my friend Lesley's husband Brian, he brings winter coats to the sun - we have to sit on his case to close it!!!]

Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.

Women are paid less than men, except for modeling.

Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the bible"... hmmm who was it that gave Adam the apple?

Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"

Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Punish My Spouse.)

The first naked man a woman sees is "Ken," and expects all men to look the same dickless and dead!

Women are insecure about their weight, butt and breast-size.

Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

"Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

All women are overweight by definition, don't argue with them about it.

If it is not Valentines day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"

Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights.

Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".

If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (Which gets them in more
trouble)

Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise or Sean Connery to get to Gilbert Gottfried or Bruce Forsyth do you?

From the Redbook:
* Women and men are exactly the same, except when he has a cold.

* The difference between the sexes is that girls worry more than boys do.

* Men are less jealous than women. A woman knows she's jealous before there's anything to be jealous about. A man doesn't know he's jealous until after.

* Girls care more than boys about how they look. If a girl runs down a hill and falls into a mud puddle, she gets really mad. If a boy falls into a mud puddle, he just gets up and keeps running.

* The differences exist only in vocabulary. You never hear a woman called a female chauvinist sow.

* Women are more interested in people, men are more interested in things and idea. Women care more about feelings and relationships than men do, that's why women desperately need women friends. They can't share their innermost feelings with men - men don't get it.

Lady on a plane reading a book about sexual records. Man next to her asks "Is that interesting?" Lady replies, "Oh yes, did you know that American Indians have the longest penises and Polish men have the widest." Guy replies proffering his hand "Hi" Tonto Kawalski pleased to meet you"

50 Great Things about Being a Man

1. Football.
2. Understanding football (any football!)
3. A five day holiday requires one overnight bag.
4. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
5. Queues for the bathroom don't exist.
6. You can open all your own jars.
7. When clicking through the channels you don't have to stall at every
shot of someone crying.
8. All your orgasms are real.
9. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around.
10. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
11. When your work is criticised, you understand that everyone doesn't
secretly hate you.
12. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
13. Nobody wonders if you swallow.
14. You never have to clean a toilet.
15. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
16. You save time and money by washing up in bulk every third week.
17. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
18. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
19. If someone forgets to invite you to something, it means that they
forgot to invite you. It doesn't mean that they hate you, and he or she
can still be your friend.
20. You don't have to shave below your neck.
21. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
22. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
23. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
24. You can write your name in the snow.
25. Biological clock? What's that?
26. Chocolate is just another snack.
27. Flowers fix everything.
28. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
29. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
30. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
31. Reverse parking is easy
32. Foreplay is optional.
33. Window shopping is what you do when you buy windows.
34. Michael Bolton does not exist in your universe.
35. You don't have to clean your house if the meter reader's coming by.
36. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. In fact you
encourage them.
37. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
38. You don't give a rat's ass if no-one notices your new haircut.
39. You can quietly watch a game on TV with a buddy for hours without
ever thinking he's mad at you.
40. You never look at the size of a baby's head and cringe.
41. The whole world is your urinal.
42. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
43. One mood, all the time.
44. Same work, More pay!
45. Grey hair and wrinkles add character.
46. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
47. No such thing as bunny-hopping half an inch above the toilet seat.
48. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
49. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
50. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
51. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell
your other friends and they won't try and work out what the problem is.
52. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. And you're looking forward to it.
53. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the
mood.
54. Dieting involves getting regular sized fries with your burger.
55. Porn movies are designed specifically with your mind in mind.
56. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
57. Not liking a person doesn't exclude having great sex with them.
58. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "so..., notice
anything different?"
59. Farts are funny

100 Reasons Why It's Good To Be A Girl

1. Our nipples work
2. Men will never appreciate chocolate like we appreciate
chocolate.
3. It's harder for us to splash wee down our trousers - but
not impossible.
4. Lycra.
6. We've got tits. And we can play with them whenever we
like.
7. We have more erogenous zones.
8. Our genitals are prettier.
9.....and we never get them stuck in our flies.
10. We can cover our desks with elaborate stationery from
Paperchase.
11. We don't get anyspontaneous erections during a
massage.
12. When we buy a vibrator it's glamorous. When blokes
buy a blow-up doll, it's sad.
13. Our orgasms last longer.
14. We can use cosmetic goodies to help us out should we
wake up looking like toss in the morning.
16. We don't have to get our strength up between
sessions....
17. ....and it's much easier for us to get laid in the first
place.
18.That moment when you realised that you weren't 'frigid',
just physically repulsed by gobby men with bad breath and
a problem with rejection.
19. Maternity Leave - six months paid holiday and all you
have to do is have a baby
20. We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty
old gits.
21. We never ejaculate prematurely.
22. The real beauty of e-mail is obvious to us - a further
dimension to our social lives. Also, we don't find the pitiful
Internet chain 'jokes' blokes send each other even mildly
amusing.
23. We can scare male bosses with mysterious
gynaecological disorders.
Beats the dentist every time on the scale of skiving
excuses.
24. We get to flirt with systems support men who always
return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our
computers.
25. We know that tetris is the computer game to end all
games.
26. We got off the Titanic first.
27. Circumcision is not an option.
28. We can make the men in accounts blush by talking
about our sex lives in the lift.
29. We can wear power suits and stilettoes, and get called
'ball breakers' behind our backs.
30. We're never expected to refill the water cooler.
31. We can do better stuff with our hair, and....
32. ...we don't go bald after our 26th birthdays.
33. For some reason we believe in the life changing
potential of AHA's.
34. We don't grow nose hair.
35. Manolo Blahniks.
36. If we were going to be gay we'd rather be lesbians.
37. Nail varnish looks really good on us.
38. We can wear open-toed sandals in the summer, with no
real fear of social ostracism.
39. Wigs, we can wear them and be fashionable.
40. We are allowed to wear skirts and trousers with pleats
in them without having to plead scottishness.
41. Our boyfriends clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous
- they look like complete dicks in ours.
42. Better pants.
43. We have total control over our eyebrows.
44. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
45. It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mummy's
boy.
46. Who really controls the population?
47. We look good in second hand gear, and therefore save
money by going to car boot sales. When men do the same
thing they look like they're wearing clothes someone died
in. Which they are.
48. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
49. We are more than capable of changing fuses. It's just
that we have better things to do with our time.
50. With David Ginola, men can only be fans. We however,
are potential shags.
51. We understand the true value of money (More lipstick,
shoes and gin)
52. We can go all weak and therefore carry fewer bags
home from Sainsbury's.
53. We are statistically less likely to get caught when we
have affairs.
54. Getting crushes.
55. We might grow up to be Lauren Bacall.
56. Men still think they have to pay for our dinner (fools).
57. We always get rings when we get engaged and married.
(Which we can always sell later if everything goes pear
shaped.)
58. We can flirt with waiters in Cafe Rouge and get served
first.
59. The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts...
and pool.. and football.
60. There's always a freebie 'laydeez nite' to be had when
times are really hard.
61. We're allowed to be angry with blokes when they leave
the loo seat up.
They however, have no comeback when we leave it down.
62. We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies
wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers.
63. Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life
insurance.
64. We know that computer games are fun, but don't believe
there's a direct correlation between the size of our scores
and the size of our genitals.
65. Taxis stop for us.
66. We can play the single scared female card with the AA if
we break down at night.
67. We get drunk quicker, and cheaper.
68. We're expected to sit down in pubs. And we are not
percieved as sub-standard representatives of our sex if we
choose to.
69. We can pretend to be pregnant and get lots of attention
on buses...
70. ...or we can be pregnant and get lot's of attention
everywhere.
71. Women's mags give better free gifts.
72. No testicles.
73. We have no desire to arrange our possesions in
alphabetical order.
Ever.
74. Let's face it, we've got a better chance of getting a
degree.
75. We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central
figure in a computer game.
76. It does not enhance our social standing to understand
the workings of the offside trap (or any other wank football
thing). But we look incredibly cool if we do.
77. We don't sulk for a fortnight when caught incorrectly
identifying actors from obscure 70's detective programmes.
78. You don't catch many girls driving tractors for a living.
79. ...or freezing on the hard shoulder of the M25.
80. Chick Flicks.
81. We can read Jackie Collins, Peter Hoeg and Jane Austen
all in one week without compromising our sexuality....
82. ....but we'll never have to read Bravo Two Zero by ex
SAS bloke Andy McNab.
83. Soap Operas.
84. We never recognise ourselves in aspects of Alan
Partridge. Ever.
85. Some-how we just know about horoscopes.
86. We don't have to leave early on a Saturday night to get
home in time for match of the day.
87. Watching scores on Teletext for hours at a time doesn't
work for us.
88. Girls are much better dancers. Sorry. We just are.
89. We can watch the 'Fast Show' without having to
memorise the script to impress work colleagues.
90. "The future of rock belongs to women" (Curt Cobain,
1994)
91. Ewan McGregor.
92. Chilli tolerance is not a measure of our social worth.
93. We'll never be Jeremy Clarkson...
94. ...but, if we wanted to, we could be It girls and do nothing
but go to parties all the time.
95. Drinking cocktails is strictly for girls.
96. We can wear pink.
97. And throw underarm in Rounders.
98. And sit-cross legged.
99. How hard we are relates directly to our tolerance to hot
waxing.
It has nothing to do with fighting people at football matches.
100. Three small words - 'John', 'Wayne' and 'Bobbitt'.
Back to the top

Well and truly stuffed

He laid her on the table,
so white, clean & bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
he rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast,
and then, drooling, felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
he gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide..he looked inside,
all was dark & murky.
He rubbed his hands,  stretched out his arms,








and then he stuffed the turkey.

The above material was received from various friends via the Internet.

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