Why do people need to learn to flirt?

updated 01/12/03

Why would we need to learn how to flirt if flirting is a natural skill?

I often get asked this question by journalists. It's a great question.

Social anthropologists tell us that as humans we share many characteristics with other members of the mammal world. We all have a deep primal urge to reproduce. At the same time we have a very large brain which has enabled us to develop our modern way of living. As a result we are at odds with ourselves.

Our deep primal urges have, in some cases, been dampened by the customs that are the offshoots of our own social and scientific development. I think we need to learn how to get back some of our natural skills, to access the best in ourselves so that we can once again naturally begin to emit the signals that say 'I am a ray of sunshine - come bask in my light'.

Politically Correct Pulling?

Are you politically correct (PC). PC is a tool for alleviating the sometimes sensitive meanings attached to language. Men are told not to call women honey or chicks because someone has decided that these words are offensive and make women feel like sex objects. (This begs the question 'who is responsible for your feelings' but that's another story.) Men who are politically correct use the ‘right’ words but underneath, do you think they stop feeling sexual or thinking about sex. Of course they don’t. It’s a primal driver and it’s a very strong force.

Many men who are constantly trying to be correct are in danger of doing so by repressing or disguising their sexuality in an attempt to appear less threatening. This has the effect of signalling to a woman 'I am not a sexual being, I am a neutral man'. One participant on my course, a gorgeous 35 year old man, told me 'I spend so much time being nice to women and trying to be a friend, I feel I am in danger of losing my sexuality'.

I'm a woman, I'm tough

Women have spent years fighting for their equality. For many women the road to success has been about beating a path through the jungle of male prejudice, not showing emotion, and certainly not looking weak. In fact recent research shows markedly increased testosterone levels in women who have heavy duty careers.

The idea of flirting or letting a man know you are interested may seem ‘weak’ and 'at odds' with the concept of no emotion. And yet inside do you think they stop thinking about attracting a man. Of course they don’t. It’s a primal driver with them too. And yet they are suppressing this desire against their basic instincts. This is NOT healthy.

Talk to my ovaries

So what happens when you put these men and women together. Not a lot! Whilst the new behaviour patterns of today make intellectual sense to feminists and new men, they don’t make a lot of sense at ‘below stairs’ level. One of the participants on my playshop, Monica, said to me recently that in order to be attracted to a man he had to ‘talk to her ovaries’ -and she didn’t mean initiating a verbal conversation about the price of eggs. This is a woman who has a very successful career, works out, looks great and is definitely into women’s rights. Yet, here she is going back to her primal drivers expressing a need to be awakened deep down inside.

Paul a participant on one of my seminars said that he always seemed to be classed as ‘good friend’ material with women. He wanted to be more sexually attractive to women. His ex girlfriend complained that he was a little too in touch with his feminine side, that he didn’t give off the protective vibes. I’d say the voice of her ancient primal drivers is behind that statement.

Paul may have been making sweet music to his girlfriend’s modern intellectual brain, but when it came to dialogue with her ovaries, he was definitely not in tune.

It appears that in order to throw off the yoke of one form of perceived repression, we are assuming another in a different guise. It’s time to redress the balance.

The language barrier

We all associate highly emotional and individualised charge to different words and despite being the universal building blocks of our language, each word will holds very specific meaning or meanings for each individual. As an example take any word and ask a friend what it means to them. Chances are it could have some very different associations.

Language can be used in many ways to guide people to specific experiences without being specific. It’s an art form, it works and it can be taught but until you master the skills of linguistic experience generators be very careful about what you say. When you think it, it will probably leak out naturally and you will be communicating at an unconscious primal level with honesty.

Ladies, remember to tell yourself the truth. So many women I know want to attract a man, but are unwilling to go through what they consider the demeaning ritual of displaying their desire. They expect men to pick up on their signals of readiness, whilst they are working full time to disguise them. Often this leads to flirting with the wrong men..safe men. One of the Flirting Weekend participants, Linda, confessed to me this pattern was so strong in her that she ended up marrying the wrong man!

It is possible to show a man that you are interested without full sexual readiness display.

At the same time, if it’s a full blown bonk that you are after, fine, go for it, but girls, don’t feel bad or blame anyone if it doesn’t go further than that. Tell yourself the truth about what you want. Unless you are drugged or forcibly raped, it’s your decision. Guys, if you are just out for sex, please don’t tell lies in order to get it. You can learn to make women feel so good that, if its right for them, they will want to do it with you.

The key is that we are all responsible for our own feelings around what we do. We can choose to feel good or bad, embarrassed or accepting.

Sexy signals - send 'em out

Here’s a little exercise to test out your ability to signal non verbally. Both men and women can try this out.

Watch yourself in the mirror, as you take a moment to access a lusty thought about someone you like. Do you notice any minute changes? Skin colour, muscle movements around the mouth, nostrils flaring slightly… breathing changing? What happens when you turn feeling up or turn it down. Find an acceptable level and refine it. You’d be surprised how these tiny external changes can affect someone at a very deep level. And you can learn to send out signals of lust in a subtle way.

As long as men and women are being dishonest to themselves they will experience difficulties in attracting mates to them. The art of flirting is all about getting back to what is still a primary driver for all of us and doing it.

I have through extensive reading and my work with private clients, gained a strong awareness of the psychological barriers that many of us put up unconsciously. This is why I don’t teach flirting techniques, without first addressing and working on the stuff that is going on inside. What I teach is ‘Flirting from the Inside Out’. On my playshops we start with the inside, generating good feelings, working on self esteem, loosening up and then move on to developing successful ways of interacting with and attracting people to us… On a playshop like this people begin to open out to new ideas and ways of being. Its not an instant fix. It’s a process of relearning what’s natural and adapting it to the modern day. Above all, its about what you do when you leave the course - practising new attitudes, trying out new things and relearning to be natural again!