Generating, Emitting and Harnessing Sexual Energy – a work in progress.
The primary nature of every human being is to be open to life and love –
Alexander Lowen
- You are a sexual being
- What makes a woman desire a man instantly?
- What are men really attracted to in women ?
- How can we generate and transmit sexual energy as an attractant?
- Loving yourself
- How can a little tantra spice up your sex life a lot?
- How can we harness our sexual energy in other areas of our life?
This essay is a work in progress. I am going to be adding sections each
week. This week, beginning Dec 30th, I have added sections on sexual beingness,
finding your sexual energy centre and male/female attraction. There is more to
come…anticipate it..juicily!
Go into yourself and see how deep the place is from which your life flows.
Rilke
You are a sexual being
First I want you to accept that this statement is possibly true and agree to
believe this just while you read this article. You don’t have to agree, just
give it room in your belief system for a short try out. I believe we are all
sexual beings but many of us try to cover it up, or have forgotten just how
sexual we are.
Over the centuries dogmatic religions and other cultural prisons have force fed
us lies about ourselves. We have learned that sex is sex and there is a time and
a place for it. Nowadays we have a socio-political climate where men are afraid
to make a move on a woman for fear of offending her and women are afraid to be
sexual in case they are judged on that rather than their merits. This is not
natural and I don’t know about you, but I won’t live my life in this fearful
state!
I’m not suggesting we go round shagging anywhere, anytime with anyone we choose
[although that would be nice wouldn’t it!!]. And it doesn’t mean that we should
be constantly turned on [mmm now there’s a thought.. maybe we can…]. It means
much more than that. I’m suggesting that we need to recapture our sexual essence
and celebrate empower it and let it flow through our lives as it was intended
to. Let’s learn to fall in love with our sexuality all over again and embrace it
as a wondrous driving force in our lives.
The sexual energy centre - you've got one too!
The Martial arts and many of the Eastern meditative practices, religions and
medicine have long been aware of and harnessed the body’s energy centres. Most
martial artists will spend a long time learning to centre their energy and focus
because without that, all the techniques in the world won’t work.
How useful would it be if you could get just a little of the focus and centering
they have, that would be quite nice wouldn’t it? Well you can.
One of the key energy centres is the hara. This is the centre of your life
energy and also your sexual energy. It's about 2 –4 inches below your belly
button or around that area, from the centre out to the sides. When you feel
sexual desire for someone chances are you will have sensations here. When you
focus your attention on this point and regulate your breathing, you become more
solid, centred or whatever word you choose to use.
Breathing into your energy centre - in and out slowly
Find somewhere quiet to stand with your feet about six inches apart and
locate the point. Some call it one-point as well as hara. There are many names
for it. Your task is just to find it. Place your mental attention on this area
of your body as you begin to breathe in and out slowly. Imagine the power rising
from this point up your spine to the top of your head and returning down your
back to between your legs and up to the hara again. This is your true personal
power in action. This is powerful stuff. You can begin now. Do this often and
become aware of feelings there and notice the difference. You are beginning to
move your energy around your body and when you can link the sexual side of this
energy and move that too, mmmm. It’s great! But more of that later.
“When passion burns within you remember that it was given to you for a
good purpose.” Old Hassidic saying
Sexual energy is one of the most powerful motivating forces in our life. We were
designed to reproduce and the urge is genetically imprinted. As we evolve, we
still have this primal driver but our urge to reproduce, whilst strong, is no
longer the life and death matter it used to be. So what do we do with all this
excess sexual energy? As well as enjoying wonderful soulful sex, we can learn to
harness and use this motivational force in other areas of our life.
Regan hated ironing. When she learned to harness her sexual energy she
discovered how to turn ironing into a very pleasurable task! Now Regan gets into
her long black boots and not much else and irons on and on and on..
Dominic had a challenging time working with his managers. When he learned
to see the world through rose coloured 'lips' his work took on a juicy
dimension. By harnessing his sexual motivation and linking it to something he
wanted to enjoy more, he learned to have almost as much fun at work as he does
with his girlfriend!
You too can learn to harness your sexual energy and use it in all areas of your
life. Think about it, you are harnessing your life force! We’ll be covering this
in a later section.
What makes a woman desire a man instantly?
My friend Karen says that sometimes she walks into a room and it's like she's
been hit by a ‘wall of testosterone’. In fact she's closer to the truth than she
realises. It’s usually coming from a certain type of man I know that feeling.
Some men give it off and others don’t. So what’s the secret?
The primitive driver – me Mark, you Mandy
Let’s go back to the primitive beginnings of human beings. Women and men were
programmed to fulfil certain roles. A man’s purpose was to spread his seed and a
woman’s purpose was to find a man to impregnate her and take care of business
while she nurtures the child.
These are our primary drivers, because despite the passing of time, our
bodies, reproductive and survival mechanisms are still organized in this way.
It’s what some call the primitive urge. That’s why men do sometimes yearn to
stray and women feel their biological clocks ticking.
Of course we are not our primitive ancestors; we have evolved with many more
layers of sophistication cloaking our primitive sexuality. We sometimes forget
we are still essentially sexual beings driven by primary urges.
Over the centuries, our brains have evolved and we have harnessed nature and
technology to our will. Women defy nature by going out to work and men are not
always the providers or towers of strength we expect them to be. Most of us are
OK with this. I am a woman and I enjoy my career. I know other women who manage
careers and children, although some complain that they can't give as much as
they'd like to both. Many of my men friends are caring sharing new men. Some are
much more blokey blokes. Some of my women friends are stay-at-home mothers.
Today we have more choice in the role we play in a male/female relationship.
Did you know that in a survey of successful career women, scientists registered
quite elevated levels of testosterone.
Men are experiencing lowered sperm counts as the water we recycle becomes more
and more clogged with female hormones.
We are evolving all the time, and throughout it all, our link to our roots is
evident in our ongoing desire to mate, copulate, have sex with another human
being. Who we have it with and how we have it has changed, the desire remains
the same.
Confidently himself
Men that are instantly sexually attractive to women are generally giving out
some very masculine vibes. This doesn’t mean that they are all 6ft muscle-bound
animals. What they are giving out is confidence. When a man is confident and
self assured, it means that he is OK with who he is. We emit chemicals all the
time. The maleness of men is determined by testosterone levels. It is the male
hormone, just as oestrogen is the female hormone. When we are happy we emit
different chemicals to those we emit when we are sad. When we are in touch with
our sexuality we begin to emit more of our sexual chemicals.
We are also highly sense-ual beings able to pick up on these chemicals
unconsciously. That’s why we say things like, I just felt right about him, he
had a look about him, I liked the smell of him and even he’s very tasty. We are
literally sensing this person’s confidence, using long dormant powers of sensory
perception. We pick this stuff up with all our senses, not just our sight or
touch. We smell, taste, touch, see and hear little signs, inaudible to our
conscious mind. We put these signs together and get a feeling..We often describe
it in terms of the sense we use most to process the world.
The fact remains that we KNOW. That's why people say things like 'I just know'.
We women have a perfect and very accurate male chemical sensor.
But this is just an initial thing. It's so important, but on it's own it is
merely a trigger for lust and some of us don't wait to find out more..we plunge
into lust..driven by our primitive urges and hormones set a rocking by the input
of male power.
Bad guy syndrome
This explains in part why women often fall for the ‘bad guys’. Bad guys are
out there fully believing in themselves and often ultra cocky. They strut their
stuff, play with their mobile phones, dangle their Porsche keys and emit vibe
upon vibe of cocky confidence, and women are unconsciously drawn to it just as
ms peacock is drawn to the best display of feathers. When they talk they give
off powerful sexual vibes. They never turn off their sexuality. In fact they
rarely turn it down. And we are pulled by our primitive urges towards them.
Women also take varying amounts of time to recognise this, see through it and
dismiss it. Some do it instantly, others fall into the trap and take longer to
extricate themselves.
You leak the truth from every pore
Men who aren’t confident in their own sexuality and maleness, on the other
hand, are probably inside their heads either playing the I’m a harmless man
game, or worrying about whether a girl will fancy him, talking to himself,
making terrible images of failure and all the while emitting those
lack-of-confidence chemicals. We women can smell it a mile off. The man’s body
language reflects how he is, even before his thoughts get more gloomy or
hopeless or non-sexual.
When a man learns to be in touch with and accept and feel good about his
masculinity and is comfortable with being a sexual being and doesn’t cut off his
sexuality in order to appear less threatening to women, he will become
attractive.
He will be emitting his own wall of testosterone. When he is like this
surrounded by his maleness, and he knows how to make women feel good by genuine
concern and interest not false flattery, we will sense his charisma and be drawn
like a dog to a juicy steak. We smell the confidence, we feel the warmth, and if
he can make us laugh on top of that we are guaranteed to melt.
Playing a waiting game or not
A friend told me recently about his first sexual encounter that nearly never
was. He went back to this girl's place and decided to do the 'gentlemanly thing'
by offering to sleep on the sofa. She sat next to him, put her arms around him
and looked him straight in the eye. 'What's the problem' .. don't you want me?.
Of course he did. He was prepared to wait and she had to give him a clear signal
to go ahead. Luckily for him she was self-assured enough to ask him, otherwise
he may have lost out.
A young friend recounted how he'd become friends with a woman and slept with her
a couple of times, but not had sex. He thought to himself, I'll just play it
cool for a while, and it'll build up slowly. The third time they got together it
happened.
She may have needed to build up trust. Not all women or men come to
relationships unscarred. Some have learnt to see them not as scars but as
lessons. Others haven't yet. Sometimes women need to be given space to build up
trust. Others are ready to go for it straight away.
Remember you have a choice. You can be honest and say how you feel, and also
make it clear that you'll respect her wishes.
When you learn to get more in touch with your senses, as I describe in my book,
Flirt Coach, you'll find it easier to sense sexual energy in the form of
barriers or invitations.
The template factor
What also makes a man instantly attractive to a woman, provided he has the
inner self confidence, is to what degree he fits her physical template for a
man.
Let me explain. We all have a type even if we don’t know it and even if all the
men we have been with don’t fit the type. When I showed my mother a picture of
my current man she said ‘oh that’s the Elvis look, you’ve always been attracted
to that’. Indeed I had grieved much as a child knowing I could never marry Elvis
Presley. He was my first love. I thought back to men I had really been instantly
attracted to and all of them had this look. I had met other men who I had got to
know and fallen for because of their many other attributes, but they hadn’t
matched the template.
And even if they do match the template, I always have to find out more before I
am totally sure of the attraction. It may only take a short conversation for me
to know whether I could be attracted to this man, but the conversation bit is
essential for me.
They may be from a completely alien world to me and just not my type! Or, they
may be someone who shows some interesting sparks beyond their looks and that's
when I know I want it to go further. Some people get primarily 'turned on' to
someone else by a great voice, others are suckers for looks and some 'feel' an
energy. We are all different and all process the world through a different
combination of senses.
Jana has a penchant for men who are tall with long blond curly hair whilst
Katrina goes for men who are stocky, dark and swarthyish. I am instantly
attracted to men with lots of black hair, big lips, flared nostrils and blue
eyes. These are just some of the multitude of individual physical templates
women hold for men. Men have them too.
This is not a template about good looks. It is a template for a certain look
which could just as easily be a short, slight man with a big nose as a stocky
well built man with a shock of black hair. It is something that seems to have
begun somewhere in childhood or even before and if you stop for a moment and
think, you may begin to recognise instances of sameness in the types of people
you have looked at and gone ‘wow’ [and we’re not just talking movie stars
here!].
What are men really attracted to in a woman?
Just one thing
A 23 year old male friend works in a trendy London bar. He is a total woman
magnet. The bar deliberately employs guys that are attractive and magnetic
because they have a lot of early 20's very late teens, sophisticated women
punters. This guy has enormous success with women. They flock round him. I
thought I'd ask him what he finds attractive in a woman!
He said that she had to have one thing about her that would make him look twice.
It could be her smile, her hair, the way she walks or her voice or great
legs/face/body/whatever. That one thing will set him off and into action. Then
she has to be interested in him and able to talk.
She wants me
A sophisticated, charismatic, good looking 44 yr-old male friend answered
with a very long and inspiring list of thoughts. A little tongue in cheek, his
mail began
"What I want in a woman is ... when I lift my right eyebrow, her nipples go hard
as rocks.. and when I lift my left eyebrow, she creams her jeans.."
He wrote this with a wry humour, but the sense of it came from the male's deep
primitive sexual origins. Nipples going hard and wet pussies are all signs of a
woman's desire for a man. A man feels hot when a woman wants him.
You don't have to go to those extremes, yet [and how exciting will it be when
you can maintain hot desire for your lover/partner just by thinking about it.
[See generating sexual energy at will]. I really think that if a woman is
interested in a man, she does have to show him. Men need reassurance too. They
need to be wanted as much as we do.
Energy-dead vs. energised
This guy also looks at the way a woman moves. Is she graceful and sylphlike
in her movements. He also notices when a woman is giving out the kind of energy
he likes.
Once I pointed out a very slim, traditionally attractive, blond about 23 yrs old
-she may have been a model because she was carrying a model's portfolio case. I
said 'what about her'. He glanced, and glanced away 'No energy'. He was right,
she was 'beautiful' but energetically dead.
Another very earthy, attractive and sensual man said to me 'I like a woman to be
in touch with her own body'. He also said he looked for 'that spark of energy'.
This is a very kinaesthetically oriented man. He sees but it is primarily
translated in his feelings. He is attracted to the vibes, sparks and senses the
energy of women.
Keeping the fire alight
How do you move? You know, I think the way someone moves is largely
determined by the way they are at that moment. When you are really feeling good,
sparkly and being yourself, you tend to change your posture and your whole
physiology comes together to create a special energy that flows from your pores.
When this energy goes out alongside your individual chemical messengers, someone
who is a match for you will pick up on it. Doesn't it make sense to be like this
more and more. You could meet a special person anywhere at any time.
Some heating systems rely on a boiler. The boiler roars into action when hot
water is required and it subsides to the merest pilot light when it is not. If
you have used one of these systems, you will know how important it is to keep
the pilot light burning. Is your pilot light lit, or has it gone out. Time to
relight the fire.
How can I generate and transmit sexual energy as an attractant?
Getting to the core of you
Yes! It's time to relight your fire. What if you think it's never been lit.
Oh yes it has. It was sparking once ready to roar into action and light up the
world. When you were a tiny child, before you were filled full of toxic stories
that dulled you like a piece of tarnished silver, you shone as only you can. You
resonated your tune in harmony with he world. The good news is that like silver
that has dulled, the tarnish can be removed to reveal the true beauty beneath -
you, as you once were and can still be.
First and foremost it's useful and important to understand and accept that you
are a sexual being. If you balk at that idea, how about trying it on just for
now. You might like it! Your levels of desire and attitudes to sexuality may be
very different to many other people. We have all been subject to stories of some
kind that have tarnished our shining sexuality. Each person carries his or her
portfolio of stories like dust that clogs the pores and impedes the smooth flow
in you.
Let flow your fantasies and desires
You've had sexual desires and needs and sometimes you've fulfilled them
either with yourself, or with a partner/s or in some dream or fantasy. These
desires are part of your individual make up. There are only a few criteria that
any desire or act must fulfil before it is acceptable.
- It must not harm anyone against their will
- It must be agreeable to all parties involved
- It should be safe
- If with another party, that party should be another human being over the
age of consent. [i.e. sex with animals is not good, it's dangerous and not
fair on the animal - animal sex should only take place in your fantasies]
Think about it... whatever you want is OK. And what you can't have with
someone else, you can have in your dreams and fantasies if that quells the
desire. You just have to indulge it or find a willing partner to indulge it with
you.
Maurice came on my flirting workshop and learnt that it was OK to be into
fetish. He went to a club, made new friends and now he has a girlfriend who is
into the same sexual scene as he is. Great!
So, now that you know it's OK. You can let rip.
How to generate sexual energy
- Lie down, sit or stand - it only matters that you are comfortable
- Locate your hara point and focus your attention on it. Relax and inhale
and exhale a few times until your breathing is slow and regular. Just let it
happen.
- Close your eyes if you wish.
- Begin to think of the ultimate sexual fantasy that turns you on. If
necessary, watch the porn, read the book, think the thoughts you need to in
order to get the fantasy going
- Notice where the feelings are in your body. Breathe as if you are moving
those feelings up the front of your spine through the middle of your body,
wafting past your heart and to the top of your head. As you breathe out,
imagine the energy waving back down over the top of your head, down through
the back of your spine to the hara point.
- Loop the feelings round and round, while still maintaining the fantasy.
Don't attempt to masturbate at this time. This is not about trying to reach
orgasm. Just allow the sexual feelings to move around your body. Notice as
they subside and continue to breathe.
- Relax.
- Do this again, and again. What you are doing is generating sexual energy,
but not using it to create orgasm. This energy is very empowering. The more
you generate it on a daily basis, the more juiced up you are going to be for
life.
- If you feel so turned on that you have to do more, then practise what my
friend Guy calls stop- start wanking/masturbating. Bring yourself to the brink
as many times as possible, breathe the energy round your body and continue
like this for as long as you are revelling in the great feelings.
- Good.. this is very good for you...you are building up your sexual
energy... and it can be used for all sorts of wonderful things...
