|I thought it was more than sex| When to call | How do I know she’s flirting | Hopeless flirt | I want to initiate with the girls | Women who tease too much |
| She’s flirting with my boyfriend | My daughter needs tips |
| Flirting to dating?|
I thought it was more than sex
Something is really bothering me and is blocking me
from moving on Almost a year a ago I discovered your website and read a lot of the flirting
tips on it. At that moment I wasn’t ready for it, but as the
year went on, I got more confident about my self and more relaxed with men. I
had a few sessions with a therapist and some good experiences with men.
I had a flirt with a very nice Greek guy on holiday in
Greece. I was ready to flirt and meet new people.
A few weeks ago I met him again. And instantly I
had a good feeling about him, I don’t know why, it was just there.
He said he had a good feeling about me too. I didn’t fully trust that, because the man
over there are very focused on sex. We talked a lot, and finally we spend two nights together.
We didn’t have sex, because I said very clearly I didn’t want that.
We had a very intense goodbye, but very clear that that was it.
When I was home I called him after a few days. I had so many questions, and
really felt so special about him. The second time we spoke on the phone he
suddenly said something like: it was just for the sex you know. And now I
feel so betrayed, rejected and abused! He obviously lied to me and I feel
stupid for finally believing him. But I also think he meant it in his way.
I don’t feel respected now and the only thing I want is to see him and
get back at him. All this is making me
sad. I feel a lack of confidence which I think is blocking
me from feeling good about other men. What can I do to let go of these feelings? I don’t dare to tell other people because I feel so ashamed and stupid.
Susan
Peta says
Susan’s actions are quite common in
women. We move too fast spurred on by small signs which we
embellish to fit our desires.
At a primitive level, men and women are programmed by certain drivers that have been part of the human make up and also part of the animal world make-up from the beginning.
As creatures we are driven by our DNA. We are programmed to reproduce which means we are programmed to have sex. As we have devleoped our brains further, we no longer do sex just to reproduce, but we haven’t lost the original programme.
Female’s original programme is to seek a male to seed her and to stay around and protect her and the offspring. In a world before technology and the industrial revolution, women were nurturers and carers for offspring. It is natural women should be on the lookout for a man who can be a sexual partner.
Male’s original programme is to spread his seed in as many suitable females as possible to continue the line. In a world where resources are in short supply and males fight to ensure supremacy of their line…this was necessary. It is natural men should be on the lookout for solely sexual partners.
We all carry vestiges of these original programmes and they influence us, despite our modern beliefs.
<< One of them was a flirt with a very nice
Greek guy…
A few weeks ago I met him again. And instantly I had this good feeling about him, I don’t know why, it was just
there…… I didn’t fully trust that, because the man over there are very focused on sex.>>
The instant good feelings you got about him are probably a chemical reaction. Some call it lust, some call it instant attraction. It is a result of the emission of certain hormone produced chemicals into the air by our body. We unconsciously sense ‘matching’ vibes from certain people. Some of it has to do, I believe, with a physical template. I know, for example, that I am attracted to a certain type of man.. it has to do with the way they look and the energy they give off.
All these factors set off a signal in you. You were
attracted. That’s all there can be at this stage.
Women are very attracted to confidence as well as looks. If a man exudes this, it is because he has what I call his sexual meter turned up. It is very very attractive. This is why women often fall for the bad guys. Most ‘bad guys’ are full on tuned into their sexuality and they don’t worry about failure.. they just go for it. This is confident
behaviour. Lot’s of nice guys are confident too and we can learn
to be wary at first, without
withdrawing.
You said yourself that you
didn’t fully trust the feeling. Your intuition was telling
you what I’ve just said. It’s not enough. It’s great
to direct us to people who chemically and maybe physically match
us, but it’s not enough to know they are the one! Be more
mindful of your intuition, it is more often than not right!
<<We talked a lot, and finally we spend two nights together.
We didn’t have sex, because I said very clearly I didn’t want that >>
Men can talk too! I’ve met a few men who love to talk about life,
spirituality etc. Women find that very attractive in a man. It’s not enough to fall in love though.
Someone said to me the other day ‘you can’t love someone until you know them’.
I think this is very true. Know them, to me, means spending enough time with them to see all facets of their character, under stress as well as in ‘ideal’ dating circumstances. In their own territory, in your territory, with your family and theirs. Knowing someone is knowing their lifestyle and whether it fits with yours and realising you can adapt without losing yourself.
Clearly, you didn’t have enough time to really know this man. I suspect though that for the above two reasons, you may well have experienced a strong attraction to him. And the primitive driver was in place, the more you talked the more he became a possible mate for longer. The feelings were intense, as you say. They often are. They alone are not enough to form a solid lasting relationship. They are the beginning signs that say, I like this man.
You then have to spend time finding out as I said. Let’s think logically about this. You were on holiday, ideal circumstances. As you say ‘men over there are focused on sex’.
They are! AND men who live in those places are inundated with good looking single women looking for romance, love etc. The clever ones know that if they can play the game, they can lure women into bed. They are primed to act romantic, it’s a way of life in France, Italy,
Greece and all the ‘warm’ countries.
<<We had a very intense goodbye, but very clear that that was it.>>
You say it yourself, it was clear that was it.. goodbye. And yet you called him.
You held hope despite the clear message from him. Goodbye.
Most women have this amazing behaviour pattern.. They meet a man,
feel attracted, get some vibe that he is able to talk, shows
emotions etc.. and then they rush off into the future to plan a life with this man..where they have a family or whatever and live happily ever after. They create an idealised fantasy and it becomes very real!!!…I bet most women will agree that they have at one time or another done this with a new man. I have! It doesn’t work!
<<When I was home I called him after a few days. I had so many questions, and really felt so special about him. The second time we spoke on the phone he suddenly said something
like “It was just for the sex you know”>>
Perhaps he is being honest. Perhaps he is trying to hurt you. What do you think. AND what does it matter. The only thing you can do now is to learn, learn, learn.
We are all placed on a path, and we make choices. Some we think are not so good. Not true. I believe every choice we make is our attempt to find ourselves. We unconsciousy choose a path and the encounters on that path. If you can see each experience as something you have learned, it really helps. If, instead of feeling bad, you choose to ask yourself.
Can I change this? Am I still alive and healthy? If you can’t change anything [and who can change the past], if you are still OK, then ask yourself, what did I learn from this. I think you could say you learned not to get ahead of yourself and create expectations that aren’t possibly the same as the person you are creating the expectations about.
Rejection is a word. You can’t actually touch it or hold it! If you feel rejected, it is an extension of how you choose to feel about this. Think of this scenario.
This guy was probably attracted to you. He didn’t force sex on you because you say you stayed together for two nights without sex. At least he didn’t go after the first night. But remember,
Susan, he is a man. He is programmed for sex.
You can just realise that he is was an experience and you will be able to handle the next situation differently. What will help you is when you can realise and remember fully what is great about you.. because like that, anything is possible. You just met a man who isn’t right for you. Great, you don’t want to be with a man who doesn’t want you.
And now I feel so betrayed, rejected and abused! He obviously lied to me and I feel stupid for finally
believing him. But I also think he meant it in his way.>>
So you feel abused. This is your choice of feeling. I read a story in the paper about an American woman. One day she was shot as she pulled up at the traffic lights. She was blinded. She passed out and woke up to hear a man standing over her saying ‘You’ve been shot, I’m going to get you to a hospital’. She passed out again and woke up to find herself being repeatedly raped by this man. He was the man who shot her.
As a result of this encounter the woman was permanently blinded. She could have chosen the route of self pity and anger and wanting to ‘get this man’. Instead she said that each time she thought badly of this man, she was devoting energy to him, giving him space in her mind, giving him control over her. She had already been controlled by him once, in a horrible way, and she wasn’t going to let him get her again.
She decided to let go and forgive him. She put him out of her life and started to speak about her experience in a very collected and calm way. She now tours the lecture circuits talking about forgiveness and her experience and how it allowed her to move on.
Read what you write here. ‘But also I think he meant it in his way’. Yes, perhaps at that time, what he said was what he felt. He too may have been carried away by a strong desire for you. His desires are more likely to be translated into sexual terms whereas you are turning your desires into possibilities for relationship… man doing man, woman doing woman. It happens. Just learn to be OK and move on. AND if it’s help you need with that,
you may benefit from attending one of my flirting weekends.
<<I don’t feel respected now and the only thing I want is to see him and throw it his face……..
What can I do to let go of these feelings?>>
Great! You realise that holding these bad feelings are actually a waste of your
energy or not good for you and you want to let go. You
have made progress. Remember the woman who got raped. You didn’t get raped. You can let go. As long as you are giving time to feeling bad and creating all kinds of horrible chemicals in your body you are doing yourself no good.
Think more often of how you are at your best.
What is great about you?
What are your best qualities?
What are your greatest achievements?
What do your friends like about you?
AND never be ashamed of anything said or shown about you..even if it isn’t true. Stand on who you are and be proud. All that
you have experienced has brought you to here and now today. And what are you doing
today is learning more about yourself as you travel your path.
You can let go, there are ways. That’s what we teach
people on the flirting weekends.. to let go and open out to who
you really are and let go some more. When you free
yourself from the constraints of other people’s opinions about
you, you are able to become who you are fully and completely.
Work like you don’t need the money.
Love like you’ve never been hurt.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
do I get from flirting to dating?
I am a widow of 3 years, am 56 yrs old; run a
successful business, look
pretty good – I am very new at relationships . Many men young and old flirt with me,
professionally and socially. I flirt back – incidentally, I scored mostly
b’s on your quiz — they seem very interested and often say things to suggest a meeting or
date — but nothing materializes — when I see them at our local hangout they
are always eager to pick up where we left off but never initiate a “date”. any
ideas?
Peta says:
First of all, congratulations on
being able to recognise what’s good about you..your successful
business and that you look pretty good. AND you
scored as a ‘natural flirt’ when you did my quiz. Bet you
knew that already! Nowadays, and especially on your
side of the pond, political correctness and sexual harrassment
are the two burdens men have to bear… while it protects women
from real harm, lots of men have become intimidated and might
need a little push.
My question to you is ‘how do you
know’ they seem interested, and all of you can
ask yourself this question whenever you think you know
something. I asked one guy how he knew a girl liked him
and he said it was the eye contact.. she always stared and
waited for him to say something.
You said they often ‘say things
to suggest a meeting or a date’ but nothing materialises.
Have you noticed how you use they as the preposition but
when it comes to materialising, the verb is unspecified… who
do you think is going to do the materialising? Puff the
magic dragon? You reinforce this belief by saying
‘they never initiate a date’ Linguistic analysis
apart, I think this is a strong clue to what you should do. You
are waiting for them to the lead. Imagine for a moment
what they might be thinking…’shall I ask her out’ will
she say no’ etc…
I think this stuff is more like a game of chess.. we each
get our turn to make a move. It’s no longer like ballroom
dancing where the man takes the lead. Men sometimes need
more encouragement than flirting… Getting my hints here…
?!!!
Take the initiative… ask
them. And before you do, say to
yourself ‘you look good, you are successful and someone is
going to be right for you’… and if they say no, that’s OK.’
No one got anywhere in this world without trying stuff and
sometimes getting the wrong result before getting the one that
was right for them.. Rejection helps you to keep on
the right track.
I know you are 56, and you have
only been on the scene for 3 years…and although you say you
are new to relationships, I think you mean you are new to dating
again. Great, isn’t it exciting to have a second
chance at all that heart fluttering
excitement! Times have changed since you and
your husband probably first got together…[I am assuming lots
here so apologies if I am wrong]. Women have more options to
take the initiative and its more socially acceptable and quite frankly
the majority of men I talk to would love it that you have
made a move or given them an opening..[not literally..YET!].
When you imagine that the world out there is like a funfair with
lots of rides for you to try… you can get on or get off and
you can take the same ride again and again… but you have to
step on the ride….so get ready for
trying out a few new rides.. and.just go out there
to have some fun.. ask men out to dinner, get tickets for
something and invite someone along…it will happen… and enjoy
it while you are still free, single and raring to go!
One more thing...if
anyone tells you that at your age you are too old or there are
no men around tell them to go f**k themselves… there are
plenty of men around so make sure your belief system is backing
up your inner desires…. when the two work in harmony, stuff
happens, when you least expect it.. !
Checkout my quiz
intimidating daughter needs some tips
Hi, I wonder if you could perhaps help me. I have a fifteen year old daughter who is outgoing, pretty and full of confidence. She has no problem with chatting to anyone and the boys at her school all enjoy her company and hang around her desk.
The problem is that she is academically gifted and intimidates some because of her cleverness. I suspect she also portrays a cheeky and slightly aggressive tone at times too. She ‘s very mature and loves smart repartee but I will not let her date guys more than 2 years older than herself. It is obvious that many boys are interested in her and would like to ask her out, but they are also a little terrified.
She shows little interest in the guys who are wild, preferring the ones who are reserved. What books can I get her to read, that will give her ideas to soften her approach. She is a very sensible teen so I don’t mind her flirting…it make life more exciting and fun… and it make’s the recipients feel good too. However she needs some tips.
She does not need a book especially written for teens, an adult book will do. I will screen it first and just share with her the chapters that could be of help to her.
Brenda
Peta says
I don’t think your daughter has a
problem at all.. As you say, she is pretty, confident, outgoing
and academically gifted. Wow, what a lucky
girl.
How do you know she
intimidates boys and how do you know they want to ask her out
[other than she is obviously attractive] ?
I think you are worrying to much
but if you do want your daughter to read a book on
flirting I would suggest Susan Rabin’s ‘How to attract
anyone, anywhere, anytime’ available from Amazon.com. My
own book, Flirt! for Success in friendship, love and career is
due out next year. That said, give her some time to
settle down, at 15 she is still developing and most parents
would give their right hands to have such a gifted, attractive
and outgoing child and sensible too. Meanwhile, you can
encourage your daughter to keep a balance of academic and social
pursuits.
One of the greatest challenges I
faced in my life was the fact that my mother encouraged me to
depend on my beauty.. I was constantly being told how attractive
I was and encouraged to wear make up, and at school, where I was
academically gifted but lazy, I was told how I wasn’t
trying. I rather resented the fact that when I got an A- I
was just told, ‘can do better’. It took me a long
time to stop relying on being beautiful to succeed and use my
brains.
Don’t be too hasty to try and
mould your daughter.. she seems so well balanced from what you
say, I think she will have little problem in attracting the man
that is right for her. And remember most average boys are
probably not for her, she needs someone who will respect her
wit, brilliance and beauty and NOT be intimidated.. So, it’s not
for her to change, but for her to know that the right man will
come along for her.
Another book that might be useful
for your daughter is ‘Live the Life you Love’ by Barbara
Sher again its available at Amazon. This book encourages
people to be who they are and live their dreams. You would
be better advised to encourage your daughter to do what she
loves than what you think is right for her. Let me know of
her progress.
who tease too much
A few years ago I knew a girl
Roxanne. Roxanne flirted very heavily with guys, she never let a relationship become
physical, and would cut her attention as soon as she had ‘won a guy’ emotionally. I was one of those guys who fell
for Roxanne then.
At work a new girl Linda has been assigned with me, she seems just like
Roxanne. This time though I thought I would have fun and been enjoying just being flirty together. She seems to have withdrawn her
attention a few times, I guess to see how I react, but I’ve carried on
unbothered. We have spent a lot of time together and I do like her now and
want to ask her for a date, but If I mess it up we’ll still have to work
together.
Do some girls have a psychological problem like this, or am I the
one being paranoid? Part of me says steer well clear of girls like this, but
Linda is a really sweet girl and I would like to know her feelings for me.
By the way Roxanne effectively got date raped and is now a one parent mother
with no social life.
Lewis
Peta says
Oh dear, so Roxanne got date
raped, ended up with a kid and now has no social
life. Is this meant to be the moral of the story for
sexual teases? I hope not. That said, perhaps it’s
something you ladies can learn from. I am not
suggesting that women deserve to be raped. But not all men are
good guys who take this kind of sexual teasing lightly. So
beware. When you start to play with men’s hormones, and
their sexual feelings, you are playing with fire. Reserve
your overt sexual flirting for those guys you want to sleep with
and tone it down for the rest.
Men on the other hand have to
learn to contain their emotions. Even if someone hurts you guys,
it is no excuse for rape… The macho thing to do is to be
grateful you got away and that you have had a lesson in
recognising a type of woman to steer clear of. It is not
acceptable to decide that she deserves all she is apparently
asking for because she is not asking for sex, she is, in her
very immature and insecure way, asking for attention. We
know that’s not the way to get it, but just consider them as
pitiful creatures and walk away!
Lewis, you have 3 choices. You
can continue as you arebeing Linda’s friend and not showing
your feelings and living in a state of unrequited ‘love’ hoping
that maybe she’ll just kind of guess how you feel and ask you
out.. You can decide to look elsewhere, because you don’t
want to risk losing your friendship OR, you can ask Linda out.
So many men say, I don’t want to risk our friendship by asking
someone out. Well, that’s just a risk you have to
take.. There is no easy answer to this and no guarantee it will
work out.
It is always a risk starting a
relationship with someone at work but the fact remains that most
people meet their partners at work! As
the sage says you have to ‘suck it and see’. Make sure
your behaviour is such that even if it doesn’t work out you have
nothing to be ashamed of. You never know, she
might come on to you!!
flirting with my boyfriend
Help! - my boyfriend flirts with my friend who sits next to
him in class. She’s a girl and I have been inviting her to parties and social events. She has a
boyfriend of her own but she keeps flirting with all the guys that are taken!!!! it’s driving me insane.
My boyfriend doesn’t flirt with her that much just a natural
flirting but her flirting with my boyfriend is full blown! It’s bugging me into insanity!
I became friends with her cause I know how hard it is to be a new girl and this is how she repays me!?
How do I get this
to stop!!!!!!!!!!!????Please help! My boyfriend isn’t really flirting but how do
I tell her to back off without hurting her feelings or losing a friend?
Chris
Peta
says
Ah the age old
problem! And although it was sent to me by a high
school kid it is something
that affects people of all ages.
Firstly, Chris says
she is being driven ‘insane’ by her friends flirting. And
probably she is not so sure of her own boyfriend’s loyalty that
she can easily ignore it. This is a question of self
esteem and it takes a very strongly confident person to accept
that although other people are pursuing their partner, it
doesn’t mean that their partner is party to
infidelity. Generally at this age, we are not so
secure in our relationships so I can understand why Chris is
upset. Chris also suggests that what her friend is
doing is an insult to her especially since she befriended her
and introduced her around.
Chris needs to tell
her friend straight out that she doesn’t enjoy her behaviour and
feels it shows lack of respect to her. She might suggest
that her friend doesn’t realise what she is doing.. and ask her
how she flirts with her own boyfriend and isn’t there a
difference.
Chris has
to be careful that she doesn’t come across as over jealous to
her own boyfriend. He might see the interaction with the
other girl as harmless flirting, and he is probably flattered..
and if Chris gets too anxious by making bitchy comments to him,
it might push him away. Her best defence is to flirt
full on with her own boyfriend so that he is not tempted by this
other girl.
I would suggest that
Chris’s friend is one of these girls who needs to flaunt her
sexuality and attract men in order to bolster up her self
esteem. It may be that she has no intention of sleeping
with anyone, just teasing them. This is a dangerous kind
of behaviour for girls to develop. No one deserves
to be raped, or even asks for it, but it is advisable for girls
to learn to tone down the signals they send out, especially to
young men.. or they may find themselves being offered more than
admiration from afar!
want to initiate with the girls for once. Answered
by Devon White – guest
columnist. Devon is 21 from New York, and a workshop facilitator.
I’m
21 and I have a great attitude about myself in almost
every area of myself, although sometimes, my confidence
and self esteem concerning my attractiveness to women
wanes.
Every
says I’m handsome and that I get a lot of girls. I mean,
I grew up with women only in my house so I know how to
talk to them. It’s just that I have trouble initiating
new encounters and getting to know them just off the fly.
I always seem to have some girl who is infatuated with me
and they are usually attractive themselves.
However,
only once have I gotten someone whom I considered
gorgeous and again, she came after me!!! ( She also
cheated on my and I was forced to dump her!!!!!!)It seems
like my style to have them come to me, but I WANT TO GO
AFTER THEM AND GET THEM!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO BE THE
INITIATOR.
Please
decipher my blockage and show me the light. I would love
to get clarity, because right now, I just can’t see what
I need to do.
Devon says:
It’s funny
I used to actually operate on a very similar flirting
strategy to yours and the funniest thing, I think it
works brilliantly you know…in some ways, I feel as
though the attraction of always attracting the other
person…is definitely not intuitively available to
everyone and so is a skill in and of itself…I know, it
worked like a charm for me for years.
Anyway, if
you’re really looking for gorgeous women you have to
think…well what is it that I want the women I want to
want from a man…so that I’ll be the perfect fit for
them and in turn they will be the perfect fit for you in
this time that this is really what you want…and then
ASK
yourself the question…do they want a man who, when they
see him, is inside of himself hallucinating that he’s
telepathic and then talking to himself about not being
able to engage them and sees pictures of himself as a
scrawny weakling who feels STOPPED?
OR…do
they want to see a man who upon becoming aware of their
goddessly presence recognises it fully and treats them
with such a
display of grace and strength that they recognise he’s
incredible attractive to them like the sun…
First of all you said that you have a great attitude
about yourself in
almost every area about yourself and I know that you know
something about those areas and that some of them are
even…really great…areas where…like this…you can do
anything….you
know…times when you’re at your best and it’s not even
so much that you can solve every problem but more the
case that you just know exactly what to do…about
anything and everything…you know, from here out…when
you look upon the world…it’s almost as though you are
truly present…in such a way that you have a
presence…which …like the sun…is attractive to other
people and that even more so …has a kind of
gravitational pulling…on the environment like a panther
prowling and hungrily stalking its prey…sniffing
in…the pungent scents of the world…organising…around something different…and
then moving through the world…informed by this…
I’m a
hopeless flirt – I think he’ll say no
At my work place there is
this guy. I want to ask him out but I think he will say
no. I tried being myself but its not working. There’s two
reasons I think he will say no, one because I’m over
weight and two because he’s white and I’m black and he
seems to like the preppy white girl type. I’m not that
good at flirting even though I read your tips on doing
it.
Oh there’s another problem. I
work with a girl that thinks he’s hot. She flirts with
him constantly and I must say she does a great job and
she’s white so I think she would have a better shot at it
then I. If I go ahead and ask him and he says no I will
feel so humiliated I would probably have to quit work.
Most of the time when I ask guys out they laugh at me and
talk about me like I’m a dog. I think it’s mainly because
I’m not a size 4. What do I do? I feel so hopeless!
Peta Says…
As you
read this letter above, first consider what do YOU think
is the problem here? For me several things fly out from
this cry for help.
Firstly,
notice how much negative self talk there is in these two
short paragraphs. ‘I think he will say no’. ‘I think she
would have a better shot at it than I’ ‘If he says no, I
will feel so humiliated I would probably have to leave
work’.
Before you
start to flirt with anyone, its important to feel good
about yourself. Believe me I have known many flirts in my
time and not all of them are preppy white girls who are a
size 4. Good flirts come in all shapes sizes and colours
but they have one thing in common. They are comfortable
and happy with who they are and how they look.
I would
recommend that you seek out a workshop or course that
will help you to find the best in yourself. Insight
Seminars are world-wide and may help you to learn to love
yourself more.
If you
constantly decide that the answer will be ‘no’ before you
begin, it will be. Freud says ‘we leak the truth from
every pore’. If you are approaching men with an air of
desperation and an air of ‘they’ re bound to say no’,
guess what? They will say no!
Secondly,
it may be quite true that this guy does prefer preppy
white girls. That’s the way of the world. We all have
some kind of inbuilt template and sensor of pheromones
that allow us to know when someone is right for us.
Unfortunately, not everyone we like will like us back.
You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t like YOU do
you?
This is a
very important point. Rejection is a part of life and its
a normal human instinct to make choices that are right
for us. If someone rejects you, you need to say to
yourself, OK, who’s NEXT?. Most people not familiar with
sales imagine that great sales people get a YES every
time. Untrue. They get lots and lots of NO’s. What keeps
them going? They know that every NO is a step closer to a
YES.
Thirdly,
imagining you will have to leave work if he says no is
part of being unable to accept rejection. Often the
stories we create in our head are a 100 times worse than
the stories other people create about us.
Never be ashamed of anything said about you
whether it is true or not.
Fourthly.
Make a list of all your great qualities, because you do
have many. What would make you a great catch for someone.
If there are things you don’t like about yourself, are
they changeable? Will changing them change you?
Dr Maxwell
Maltz the great plastic surgeon noticed that many of his
clients would expect to feel good after a nose job.
Instead they still felt bad. It wasn’t the nose that was
the problem, it was their opinion of the nose.
If you
learn to love yourself more others will follow. Try
smiling at yourself in the mirror. Play motivating music
like ‘Search for the hero inside yourself’ or whatever
turns you on. Stand tall and breathe deep and say to
yourself ‘You’re OK’. Beauty is born inside.
Men will
be more attracted to a smiling self-confident girl than
an ice-maiden preppy type. Look around, there are plenty
of overweight women who are in happy fulfilling
relationships.
If you have a
problem with eating it may be your way of punishing yourself or
trying to hide behind the weight. Dieting is not the answer. Finding out how to
love yourself is and you will find the weight settles to
what’s right for you. [A great book for learning to think slim is
'Slimming with Pete' by Pete Cohen - available from amazon.co.uk]
Lastly, and I repeat
myself. Please seek out some personal development help. Look in the
local paper for seminars or evening workshops on self
esteem. Attend a flirting class [I know you are based in
the US otherwise I'd invite you to mine!] look in the
self-help section of your local bookstore. Join a group
that will help you affirm your beauty as a black woman.
Start one yourself! Start to explore how to be a better
you and you’ll be surprised what appears to help you. BUT
you must take the plunge first yourself.
How do I know
she’s flirting
Hi!
I’m a 20 year old male and I seem to have this problem. I
can’t tell if a girl is flirting or not. What are some
things that I could look for?
Peta says….
Oh dear, I
sometimes feel so sorry for you guys. We girls are giving
off signals all the time, but sometimes we give off the
wrong signals and sometimes we give off mixed ones and
even worse, sometimes we suppress the signals when we
like someone “I daren’t look at him, he might find
out I like him”. Professor Marilyn Moore did a
survey of flirting in singles bars and noticed over 52
signals – and combinations of these so there’s a lot to
look out for.
When she is
giving off signals that often unconsciously mark her
interest [sometimes consciously, if she's a practised
flirt] these are a couple of the more common signals you
should watch out for:
Ongoing
eye contact – if you catch her looking at
you more than twice she’s either interested or your flies
are undone or you look so weird she can’t help staring.
Eyes – if her pupils dilate she
might be very interested, but she might also be stoned!
Smiling – she smiles at you
with her teeth showing [i.e.not a coy Mona Lisa look]
Biting – she might be biting
her lips, or licking them or flicking her tongue around
her top lip
Facing you – is one of her legs
pointing towards you and maybe moving back and forth [if
its crossed]
Winking – She might wink at you
Hair Twirling – She may twirl
or fiddle with her hair AND look at you at the same time,
often with head tilted back or sideways or both
My advice
here is to spend time observing. Start to keep a diary of
signals that you notice or think you notice. Go to places
where people flirt and take notes [it might even prompt
someone to come up and chat to you and you can always say
truthfully - you are investigating the signals of
flirting!] – This will help you to develop your sensory
acuity and make you a much keener spotter of the
‘come-hither’ signals.
NOW that’s
not all. If a woman is doing some or a lot of these
things, its probable that she is interested. BUT, be
cautious of diving in at the deep end. Approach her in a
laid back and friendly manner. Remember a lot of girls
might need time to get to know you as a friend before
going on a date. So if you are going to ask her out, make
it something non-threatening and relaxing. Don’t ask her
for a date immediately, chat for a while and get a sense
of communication and rapport going. A little mystery
never did any harm. [See below for when its important to
pick up on a woman's 'I want it and I want it now'
signals!!!!!]
Great
web-site…not that I want to admit to needing much help
in this regard, but we all need a refresher now and
again.
I was wondering…I met a woman out the other night and
we had a really good time. We exchanged phone numbers. I
was wondering how many days I should wait to call her.
Some of my friends say 3 to 5 days. Others say whenever.
I don’t want to seem like the desperate type, but I’m
dying to call her.
What do you think?
Peta says….
Ah to play
by The Rules or not to play The Rules, the age old
dilemma. Why is it that making it known that you had a
really good time with someone is thought of as being
‘desperate’…. What do you out there think?
So many
people can miss out on opportunities by not letting
people they really like know that they are interested. I wrote about my friend who wouldn’t look at the guy
she fancied in the restaurant because she ‘didn’t want
him to know she liked him’. He walked out.
My friend Lenny went out with
his first girlfriend and decided to restrain his ‘baser’
desires. One day she asked him if he wanted to make a
move on her. He shook his head, nodding violently inside,
saying ‘No, I prefer to wait’. She dumped him.
Lenny’s
cousin subsequently took the same girl out on a date. The
next day he called Lenny and said ‘ Boy, she’s an animal
- we were at it all night’. Lenny said it taught him to
go with what he wanted to do and the hell with playing
games.
The moral
of this story – sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
My advice, do what your heart tells you. Wait a day then CALL HER, you
are DYING TO SEE HER. Perhaps you should be LIVING to see her – think
about your language! Fate and your unconscious actions
have allowed you a good enough gap in between meeting and
calling. AND, have a grrrreat time!
smiles
Peta
Check out my therapy page
