Flirt Coach - the book

Precis of Flirt Coach from the Daily Mail

Flirt your way to success

Peta Heskell

FLIRTING, from the old French word fleurter, meaning to flower, isn't just
restricted to interaction with the opposite sex. It's also useful in social and
work situations. Flirting is an ability to connect to people, showing them you
are interested in them, giving compliments and making people feel happy and at
ease in your company. Here, flirt coach PETA HESKELL shows you how to master the
art and make yourself irresistible.

SECRETS OF SUCCESS

SUCCESSFUL flirts gain a rapport with almost anyone. They view all people as
interesting, are upbeat and positive.

Polished flirts are in touch with their own reactions and sexual energy, and
know when to take flirting to the next level and when to stop. Great flirts feel
good about themselves and transmit that to others.

1 WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT?

SOME people define themselves by their work, some by their sexuality and
others by their relationships. The real shame is in living a life that is not
right for you. The moment you create your own definition of a fulfilling life is
when you'll succeed.

Only then will you exude an inner confidence and an ability to flirt with
life.

2 FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF

GOOD flirts don't depend on others to feel good. They create their own good
times, which draws others to them.

Laughter fuels their sense of wellbeing.

It releases a chemical which triggers feel-good opiates and endorphins.

3 SHARPEN YOUR SENSES

TO BE a superb flirt, it's important to be aware of the signals people send
out when expressing interest. They include accidentally brushing up against you,
smiling broadly at you, beckoning you with their head or hands, dilating their
pupils and playing with their tie or jewellery.

4 BUILD UP BETTER BELIEFS

WHAT we believe is the driving force behind what we do. Great flirts live by
empowering beliefs.

They believe they are sexy and other people are interesting. They are driven
by positive, energising beliefs. But less confident people are weakened by
limiting thoughts which become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe you
are not attractive, you will act as though you are not.

5 AWAKEN YOUR SEXUALITY

SEXUALITY is an energy that runs through us. Enjoying our sexuality
increases our wellbeing and natural flirtatiousness. When you have a good sex
life, you are more likely to feel good about yourself.

Awakening your sexual energy doesn't mean using your sexuality to get what
you want. Some people give off too much sexual energy, others too little.

When you have adjustable sexual energy, you will become a very polished
flirt.

6 GIVE OUT THE GLOW

WHEN you radiate an inner glow, you will develop a deep rapport with people,
and your relationships will be more fun and more rewarding. You can achieve this
by:

* MAKING EYE CONTENT: Your eyes are one of our most powerful signals. Make
sure you make eye contact. If you find this difficult, practise in everyday
situations.

* SMILING: When you smile you are saying to the world: 'I am a positive
person.' Start practising with a false smile and it will turn into a real one.

* AVOIDING CORNY CHAT-UP LINES: You will communicate more through the way
you feel and the energy you exude than any fancy words. If specific chat-up
lines work, it's often because the people using them feel great enough about
themselves to take the risk.

Instead, most great flirts get people to open up and talk by asking
questions.

* GIVING COMPLIMENTS: When you feel good about yourself, you appreciate the
best in other people.

Make sure you are generous enough to tell them, whether it's the fact you
admire their independent spirit, that they are a good listener or you like the
way that they smile.

* BEING A SUNSHINER: How do you react to life's challenges?

Sunshiners look on the bright side, see the funny side of things, notice
what's good about others and, when faced with challenges, ask how they can learn
from them.

They spend most of the time being who they are. Seek out Sunshiners and
avoid Black-clouders because their negative energy can overshadow you.

When you choose the sunshine path, you'll glow, an essential ingredient of
successful flirting.

* CREATING DEEP RAPPORT: If you get on with someone easily, the chances are
you have a deep, natural rapport with them. But there are ways to create that in
a flirtatious encounter which will help you socially, professionally and
romantically. Synchronise and match the other person's breathing pattern, tone
of voice and the way they talk.

When you match someone at their level, they feel comfortable.

But be warned: using these skills to manipulate others in a way that is not
useful to them will be counterproductive.

* USING PERSUASIVE, POWERFUL LANGUAGE: You can charm and influence people by
what you say and how you say it. All good flirts do this naturally. Use words
which clarify what you want people to do or feel - not what you don't.

For example: 'Would you like to get together for a coffee on Wednesday or
Saturday?' This is also an example of a persuasive language pattern. It gives
the listener a choice but also presupposes the response you seek.

WRONG SIGNALS

TO ANSWER this you should ask yourself:

DO YOU TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY?

JENNY, a successful advertising executive, felt she had to fight her way to
the top. Good at what she did, she 'didn't tolerate fools'.

She'd been passed over for an account directorship by another woman because
Jenny equated success with being tough and serious. She thought she had to
suppress her feminine qualities to succeed. The woman who pipped her to the post
was equally good at her job, but was also easy and fun to work with.

DO YOU USE YOUR SEXUALITY TO GET WHAT YOU WANT?

WOMEN who don't like themselves very much, or feel insecure, often use
sexual magnetism to get what they want.They know men are drawn to it.

Rachel confessed she was a classic sexual flirt. She thought the only way
she could attract the attention of a man was to promise sex. She turned it on
full blast and then wondered why men always made a grab for her.

Sexuality can be used exquisitely, when the time is right, to draw someone
to us. There are also times when it isn't appropriate or fair to flirt sexually.

DO YOU REPRESS YOUR SEXUALITY FOR FEAR OF WHAT IT MAY AROUSE?

NAOMI was terrified of flirting, fearing the reaction it would cause.

She was scared of the power of her sexuality, and saw a man's reaction as a
sign he was bound to expect sex.

Somewhere along the line, Naomi had been told men were uncontrollable
animals and women must temper their behaviour so as not to arouse them. Naomi
learned to accept that it's natural for men to find her attractive, instead of
seeing herself as a wicked temptress.

ARE YOU A SAFETY-FIRST FLIRT?

LEANNE was quite good at flirting - with the wrong men. If she liked
someone, she wouldn't flirt with him for fear of being rejected.

Instead, she flirted with people who seemed interested in her.

She flirted herself into a string of unhappy relationships.

Eventually, she learned to go for what she wanted, instead of what she
thought was her lot.

Abridged by MARY HAMPSHIRE from Flirt Coach: How To Flirt For Friendship,
Love And Professional Success, by Peta Heskell (Thorsons, GBP 7.99).