Flirting
Academy
Case History
UK's only Flirting Academy
0700 4 354 784 To
contact us by e-mail click here
"We ask
ourselves who am I to be brilliant, talented, fabulous
Actually who are you not to be...
We are all meant to shine like children do and
As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others
permission to do the same."
Marianne Williamson
Female
Case History - 1
I read that you were interested in case histories (the policeman's
story made me wonder if we could perhaps get together), so I wondered whether
you would be interested in putting mine on the site. Here goes:
I am a 28 year old white female with a lot of love to give but have never actually
managed to have any relationship to date. I am the eldest of three children,
with a younger brother and a younger sister. They have both had steady boy
and girlfriends for 2-3years now, and the number of single (indeed, not-married) friends of my own is fast decreasing.
Peta
writes: Firstly, why do you give me the information
about your brother and sister. It strikes me that you are
doing what most people do - comparing yourself to
others. Obviously the fact t hat your YOUNGER brother and
sister have relationships is something that you are using
to beat yourself up with. STOP IT NOW! Only compare
yourself to how you were yesterday and NOT to others.
If
you find that your single friends are decreasing, this is a sign
that you need to make new friends. Find out what you
are interested in, and later in this letter you say you are
taking up jive.. Good, that is a step forward. Sit down
and write out all the things that really interest you and
make a point of finding out more about how to get involved.
One spin-off from this is
that I often seem to spend holidays going back to see my parents in
Europe. Much as I enjoy seeing them, I cannot hide completely from the fact that I
do not take many holidays elsewhere because the only two single friends I
have left are not currently in a position to go on holiday (study), and
whenever I visit other friends for a weekend, it is great but naturally
there are times when I can't avoid feeling like the fifth wheel.
Peta
writes: No one makes you spend all your holidays visiting
your parents, and if you aren't meeting new people, then I
suggest you take some time out to holiday somewhere where you
will! Perhaps one of those singles holidays,
geared for people of your age [not 18-30's!].. or maybe
take a personal development holiday on Skyros or in Spain..
check out on the web for sites. When you start to
open out to new possibilities for places to go.. and stop
looking for friends to go with and then using their
non-availability as an excuse to limit yourself you will find opportunities
everywhere.
I
love travelling on my own, it's as if I am putting myself out
there and opening out to all that is available... I always
meet lots of new people. Often a single person
travelling is open to invitations and the possibilities of
connecting without having to consider a friend. Two
friends together tend to stick together and become more
unapproachable.
However, that's not to say I have never experienced the very bitter-sweet
joy of unrequited love. My first time (and to date the only time I have ever
dared to reveal my feelings in an overt way) was with a guy in a group of
friends in my first year at university. I had felt attracted to him for some
time and eventually sent him a signed card with a short but not too effusive
note on Valentine's Day.
Being the lovely guy that he was, he wrote me a
long and very kind letter back, explaining that he was not ready for a
relationship at that time. Later we were able to continue as friends,
although our paths parted not long after when I changed universities
(unrelated matter, although I had dared more in the knowledge that if it did
not work out I would not be in the same hall of residence for much longer).
Since then, I have known two other very sweet guys in different work places
(and there is another one at my current job) but have not dared to show my
feelings for them other than in trying (sometimes successfully) to joke with
them and show interest in them, for fear that what pleasure I derived
whenever I had the chance to work or spend a few minutes alone with them (at
the bus stop, in the office) would come to an end if they found out I was
after something "romantic".
Peta
writes: Well done. At some time in your life you
were able to be proactive... the downside is that somewhere you
have used this experience as a block to trying
again. Too many people do this.. what you need to do
is to develop enough self confidence and self esteem to be able
to try again and again. [that is what my courses are
geared towards]. No one ever got what they wanted by
giving up on the first try. Most people have to
undergo lots of rejection before they get a yes.. we never hear
about that, because all we see are their successes.
Sales people say that they love getting refusals because
according to the theory, if you ask 100 people, you are bound to
get some positive replies.. so each no is moving them closer to
a yes!
You
are blocking yourself with negative beliefs. You
think that if someone finds out you like them, then you will
lost the pitiful moments you get with them. You yourself talk of
the bittersweet joy of unrequited love. There is
nothing sweet about unrequited love. Finding out if
someone returns your affections is the only way to go and if
they don't then you should be happy. You don't want to be
with someone who doesn't want you do you! There are
ways of working to changes these beliefs, and this is not
something that can be done in a written commentary like
this. I would advise you to take some courses in NLP or to
attend one of my events...
One major problem (while I have lived with it for 27 years and find it ok to
cope with in other areas of life) is that I am not exactly Claudia Schiffer
or some other model. I think basically I have a reasonable body shape
(petite, not too fat or too thin), but I was born with a kind of paralysis
of certain face muscles so that my smile is not quite as big as I would want
it to be. To be frank, I know it's definitely not going to be my smile that
attracts him first and foremost (I would hope a bit of black humour or a
caring and listening attitude, perhaps?), so I try to make the best of what
I've got in other areas (curly hair, healthy complexion, generally positive
attitude).
Peta
writes: This is a good move towards developing the right
attitude. I have a friend who has cerebral palsy.
She has a lovely face, but her body is twisted and has been from
birth. Does she let this stop her.. NO SIREE. She is
independent, and feisty and she has developed a great career for
herself as an independent life coach. She motivates others
to change their lives. One area of her life was not
working, so she took action. She attended one of my flirting
events to get the courage to start dating on the internet.
Suffice it to say that the last time I saw her, she had a much
spiced up love life! She has gone out there and put
her beliefs about her so-called disability behind her and
focused on what is great about her. Consequently she is a
shining light. There are a lot of men out there who want a
woman who is loving, courageous, caring and intelligent and with
such a beautiful soul that her disability seems to fade away
when you meet her.
One thing I sometimes find difficult is to keep a conversation going, to
find out what a bloke really enjoys. I must admit I also belong to the kind
of girl who tries not to look too much in the "quarry's" direction for fear
that he might realise I liked him. Basically, I am probably just far too shy
and awkward when it comes to men, and the older I get, the more I
s tart to think of this "mating thing" as a science beyond me. On bad days, I wonder
whether I shouldn't just resign myself to becoming an old spinster and find
other activities to keep my mind off the missing companion(!).
Peta
writes: Wow this paragraph is packed full of negative
beliefs and one common action that so many women indulge
in. What is it that makes women NOT look at a man they
fancy? Like many others, you are probably wary of being
vulnerable and letting someone know you like them seems to you
like putting yourself on the line to be hung drawn and
quartered.. Bullshit! When you learn to develop your
belief in self and your love of yourself, you will understand
that that belief forms a steel core that is always there and
immutable and impenetrable.. BUT when this is in place, you can
then easily allow yourself to open out to anything, because YOU
know that YOU are OK, therefore rejection and people making
decisions that are right for them but maybe not for you,
bounces off you and your strength remains.. Again,
this kind of self-love and self esteem and inner resolve is not
something I can tell you how to get in writing.. BUT I can tell
you that there are umpteen courses out there which will help you
to develop it further, including my flirting
events.
I
often say jokingly that I con my participants.. some of
them think they are coming on a course to learn flirting
techniques.. but I know that all the techniques in the world
won't work unless there is a core of self belief inside that
drives you on... that's what I start with and then people find
themselves more open to connecting with others, smiling more and
feeling better about themselves...
One thing I am hoping to take up (again) this month is jive dancing I do genuinely enjoy the physical
exercise and music, but was also secretly hoping for something else - if not
exactly romance, then at least an increase in self-confidence and some more
contact with new men. Do you have any helpful hints for me with regard to
this activity or concerning conversation as outlined in the last paragraph?
Taking
up an activity you enjoy is one of the best way to expand your
network. I say this quite deliberately, because expanding
your network is not the same as searching for a man. Often
you meet people in the most unlikely places, when you are not
focusing on it. If you are constantly 'man hunting' you
will close down into tunnel vision and find yourself missing all
kinds of opportunities. Perhaps that new friend at the
dance lessons, or a contact will be the person to introduce you
to their brother, best friend, ex husband.. whatever.. you never
know.. Open out and go out there and network like mad.. don't do
it deliberately with the idea of finding a man, but do it
because people are opportunities and the gateway to more people
and in the final count they are the most wonderful opportunity
you have on this earth....
