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"The dark night of
the soul comes just before revelation.
When everything is lost, and all seems darkness,
then comes the new life
and all that is needed"
Joseph Campbell
Below are
several male and female case histories sent to me by people like
you. I have responded to them and trust that it will
in some way help many more people. Enjoy!
Male
Case History - 2
Here is my problem then... I have no sex life and very little social life at all either. I am 31 years old, good looking, educated, intelligent, creative, sensual, etc... yet I find it really hard to be my self around people, unless I have known them for some time.
Peta
writes: - Jim, you need to do more of this. You listed
all the things that are great about you.. don't put in
etc. Go ahead now and make a list of all and
more!
Really, I'm not sure I know how to be myself, I just know I have done it on occasion. I am trying really hard though, and a lot of times it seems to work at first, but eventually I just seem to get more frustrated, but if I don't try anything then nothing happens which is worse than rejection.
Peta
writes: - You have of course been yourself on occasion. What
I want to know is what are you like when you are you at your
best. Think about this... and stop any negative self-talk
as you do it. If you hear yourself 'butting' and 'if onlying'
then just say 'shut up' and continue to think of how you are
when you are at your best.
Sometimes I really think I am somehow not human, either much better or much worse than regular people, but never normal enough to be able to relate to them. It seems that people think I'm very arrogant, and then they see I lack social confidence, and the incongruity between these two impressions has a much worse effect than either one alone.
Peta
writes: - Stop now and think about how you compare yourself
to others. This is not useful. I used to do this and
found myself lacking and becoming overwhelmed with envy.
What the heck is 'normal enough' anyway? We are all
individuals. At your best you are wonderful, magnificent
or any other superlative words you like..I wouldn't like to be
though of as normal. What happens when you think of
yourself as an individual and believe that there are people out
there for you.. Once you start becoming more you at your best,
you will start to connect with them.
There
are plenty of ways to do this outlined in my book, Flirt Coach
which is due out in the States in June 2001 but available from
amazon.co.uk.
Peta
continues:- So you think people think you are
arrogant, yet you lack confidence at the same time.
I'm not sure if this is similar, but when I was younger I used
to adopt what I call the 'ice queen' pose. Inside I was shy and
wanting to connect with people, I said to myself 'if they won't
talk to me, I'm not going to show them I want someone to talk to
me'...lack of confidence resulted in outward display of
arrogance.
Getting
back the sense of yourself at your best, and living from there,
is one sure way to become more confident. My
book and this website is all about this and my workshops
facilitate this.
Sometimes I wish I could just be dull and normal, blissfully ignorant, and not have to think so much, just another happy simple little soul. Today I admitted to myself that I am really scared, scared of being alone, scared that without any normal healthy outlet for my sexual energies I will become some kind depraved pervert freak. Actually sometimes I feel like I was born a freak. Most of all I think I am scared of myself, and I'm not really sure why.
Peta
writes:- Jim, stop right here! NOW!
It's OK to admit you are scared, but to go on and create a
Hammer horror film out of the future 'I will soon become some
kind of depraved perfert freak'. No, once you are scared,
accept that you can change and that admitting it is scary
because you are acknowledging or recognising what you need to
change. Good. Start to think of how you
would like to be if you are not scared. If you aren't like
this, what is it like. Imagine it with as much gusto as
you can conjure up. Make a fantasy of it.. a good and
juicy one!
Anyway, as far as my history is concerned, my parents were both raised in catholic homes, and were 'forced' to marry due to my accidental conception. I don't want to dwell on my childhood, and at least my parents mellowed out as they got older, but I think it was pretty rough on all of us at first.
Peta
writes:- Good don't dwell on your childhood except to
remember the good times. You can't change a thing so you
might as well take the good stuff and amp it up. Start
positively recalling only the good times. When a bad time
comes up, imagine it going far away from you in a small
box..
Bad
times are useful only if you remember them in order to get the
lesson of what not to do and what you could do next time so that
the outcome is different.
I always remember that I had a few little girlfriends when I was 5-7 years old, and I was never shy with the girls I liked. By the time I was in high school, however, I had become very shy, and started getting into un-requited crushes. In college I did have active sexual relationships with two girls, but I eventually got bored with each of them.
After college I didn't have much luck either, until I met a girl while living in South America, and ended up living with her for a few years. The relationship, however, got more and more lopsided, as she started experiencing psychological problems, that eventually became very severe. I was very relieved after I got her to go back home.
That was almost 2 years ago, and I haven't had any girlfriends since then. I have met some though, at first I was too shy too approach any, but little by little I have gotten to the point where I can start a conversation with girls pretty easily (at least 2-3 per night, sometimes more) but I never get anywhere, I rarely even get phone numbers. I often get the feeling that somehow I am not normal enough, and that I am making them uncomfortable. And even though I realize that it's my fear of making them uncomfortable which makes them
uncomfortable, I just can't seem to get around it.
Peta
writes:- Jim, your fear of making them uncomfortable does
make them uncomfortable. For further info read my article
on sexual energy about how men
who try to be too nice don't give off those 'male' vibes women
are so drawn to.. You can learn to give off more sexuality
without offending.
I can also say that I am past the point of getting into any more unrequited love affairs. I used to get really fixated on certain girls that I would decide were very special, and imagine these wonderful, romantic, long term relationships with them, before even getting to know them very well.
Peta
writes: You were an attraction addict, it seems.
I've written something on that too! For further info read
my article on attraction
addiction. It's good that you are past the point of
this. Well done. You have made progress and remember to
acknowledge and respect yourself for a) becoming more aware of
how you are b) realising you want to make some changes c) asking
for help. You are 50% if not more done!!!
Now all I am looking for is friendship, and casual relationships. My main goal is sex, and from what I can see, women don't necessarily dis-respect this motive, though I haven't made it work for me yet. I am still kind of shy, but when I do try to be more aggressive I get clumsy.
I also really like having fun in other ways, especially being romantic and affectionate, it can be a real rush!
What I would really like is to be so charming and magnetic to be friends with a lot of women, and get romantic and have sex with different ones from time to time. Then one day I'm sure I would find that one special girl, and know for sure that she is so very special instead of just projecting that image onto someone who looks nice to me, or just getting tied up with the next chick who happens to get into bed with me. And in the meantime I should like to have quite a few more friends in general too.
Peta
writes: You are a redblooded heterosexual male and
acting like one, at least in your writing. That's
great. It's what you are! Acknowledge
and welcome and respect it.
Yes,
you do want sex, it's normal and there are women out there who
want it too. You have a lot going for you in that you do
want to be romantic and affectionate. If you get a real
rush from it, then go for it.. just remember not to romanticise
the woman, just think about making her feel good. Check
out Ross Jeffries speed seduction tapes and courses..
Remember when you learn these skills, always use them with
integrity and a win-win attitude. You will succeed.
Compliments
are good so long as they are really truthful and genuinely
meant.
Get
women to feel good about themselves. Use questions that
take them to memories of feeling at one with the world,
passionate about something. Ask what she thinks is the most
romantic holiday place and why. Ask what's her most
romantic moment, favourite romantic film/hero/ine and why.
Ask her what it's like when a man is being really
romantic. How would he be behaving. DON'T try
to change yourself to be what she wants.. You are checking out
whether you are a match and fit for her, not how you can delete
parts of yourself to be her ideal man..
I know this doesn't sound hopeless, but I was feeling kind of hopeless today. I feel like the only hope is to do something drastic in a way. I just feel I have to do something dramatic to cause a big change.
I noticed your flirtation workout, but I come up against a reluctance to do it that seems related to this fear of myself mentioned above. I am intrigued by your references to the mytho-self thing. I am also now seriously considering the Flirtopia weekend in Orlando, even though I can't really afford it.
Peta
writes: Jim, the mythoself course that I did with my
now mentor, Joseph Riggio, was an awakening for me.
I did lots of personal devleopment and it really opened me out
to the wonder of me. The other stuff I did such as years
of NLP and various workshops have also added to my learning in
powerful ways.
You
are intrigued by some of these courses The question is not
whether taking a course will help you. It will. The
question is what can you do to start. Acknowledge
that your reluctance is the normal 'fear' that accompanies the
thought of change, doing something different. It's good. Respect
it and realise that when you take the leap, all sorts of
wonderful things happen on the other side.
Anyway I'm glad I wrote this. It feels good not only to write, but to know that someone out there might read it. Thanks :)
Jim
California
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me if you wish to share your own case history in this way
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