Britain

August 9th 1999

In this edition:

FlirtZone news roundup
London Flirtabout reports
Learning to Flirt - what's crucial
Signals of Flirting

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F L I R T Z O N E N E W S R O U N D U P

CHANNEL 4 DOCUMENTARY
This July, we opened the doors of our flirting workshop to Channel 4. It is easy to say yes to the press and TV, but I have realised that it is important to be choosy when agreeing to having a documentary made. Naturally, when Channel 4 asked me if they could film m weekend for their prestigious Cutting Edge series, I was very keen.

The final documentary is not about the flirting weekend, it is centred around 5 of the people who attended the weekend. It will feature the weekend and me as well but they are the central focus.

When participants called up for information, I asked all of them if they would be interested in being one of the focus characters for the documentary. A lot of people were keen to do so and all of them were interviewed by the director Fran. Five people were eventually chosen, as representatives of a cross section of people who come on these courses. There were three women ranging in age from 40 to early 30's and two men one 28 and one in his forties. They were all filmed prior to attending the course and during the weekend, they were closely monitored.

One of the more amusing tasks that I got involved in was following participants down the Kings Road as they did their 'streetwork' [my version of homework but of course you can't flirt at home all on your own!!!] commenting for the TV on their progress. The director didn't let me get away with just giving people assignments and after the weekend, the film crew spent a day with me. One of my tasks was to stand in my local high street for 20 minutes and say hello and give compliments to people... great fun!!! Never ask people to do what you can't do yourself!!!

The five participants will be revisited in September and I hear one of them has already met a young lady and is contemplating how he can get her to take part in the final film...

Sometimes when you attend courses like this, you get unexpected results. During the course I always emphasise the importance of being who you are. No one wants to be liked for being someone they are not..its too much playacting and eventually when you revert to you, you might find the object of your affection is off like a shot! No one likes being deceived!

On Sunday morning, one of the participants came up to me and said that as a result of what I had been saying the previous day he had made a decision to take another job...with less money but as a freelancer, it gave him the opportunity to build up a business doing the same job for lots of organisations... He was very chuffed with what had happened. So you see, sometimes its not what you expect that happens but what happens is very significant...

The final program is expected to come out in the UK this autumn [I'll let you all know on the website WHEN] , but it is likely that it will be sold worldwide, so one of these days you might see it on TV in your country...It has been dubiously named as a working title 'The art of Seduction' but I don't think of my classes as seduction classes [Ross Jeffries is the king here] but more as personal development classes orientated towards finding who you are and liking who you are so that you can go out there and find someone who likes the you you like!!!!!! Of course, we also cover such topics as body language, rapport, beliefs and blocks... but I don't teach techniques before the inside work is in place.. and as I say to all my participants...

......This is just a door opener to the endless possibilities of who you are...the learning starts the moment you walk out of the door of this playshop and start making changes in the way you move in the world...learning is for LIFE not just for 2 days!

If you live in the United States, you can order my new book via this USA link. 'Flirt Coach' on amazon.com'
If you live in the UK or Eire, you can order my new book via this UK link 'Flirt Coach' on amazon.co.uk

TV QUICKIES
In July I appeared for all of 30 seconds as a flirting tutor for a comedian on Channel 3...the evening was immense fun, I got paid well and if it only resulted in a short appearance, no matter, I enjoyed every minute!!!

On August 2nd I appeared on Granada Breeze, a satellite programme, on their Agony Day. They asked me to teach the two presenters flirting and I refused. I will not teach any more quick fix techniques...because without the inside work, they don't have any affect. Denise, the resident agony aunt was wonderful. She quickly cottoned on to the fact that I teach flirting from the inside out....and we ended up having a very interesting discussion on what flirting really is...

Flirting with Diet Coke Man
I was informed that the BBC re-ran this week, the episode of Esther [she's a kind of Oprah in the UK] in which I took part... and where I got to flirt with a really hunky man, desired by millions of women all over the TV planet... - Mr Diet coke... what a nice guy and what an intelligent man [my partner liked him too!]

FLIRTING SOCIAL GROUPS
I hear on the grapevine that the flirting social groups have met up twice now in the Pitcher and Piano for an evening...and going to Scottish dancing [I forget how to spell it]. Paul Thomas tells me he went out with a group and two ladies from the 4th July group...
If you want to join up and have some fun flirting, socialising...[remember the six degrees of separation...more people you meet more chance you have of them knowing someone who knows someone... ]

Bob Griffiths on coach@willow.demon.co.uk 0171 787 8599

or Paul Thomas on pthomas@lul.co.uk 0171 928 0963

LIBERTY RADIO 972 963 AM Mondays 1.20 to 1.40 pm
Last week my radio spot was centered around the new film 'The spy who shagged me'. I discovered that in many countries they are having problems translating this title. I don't know about you, but I find these translations hilarious....what does it say about the culture of the people that devised them....

France - the spy who SHOT me
Iceland - the spy who NAILED me
Singapore - the spy who SPOKE WELL OF me
Malaysia - the spy who LOVED WOMEN
Spain - the spy who SERVICED me
and most amusing of all to me...

Germany - the spy IN THE SECRET MISSIONARY POSITION.....

MY FORTHCOMING BOOK
I had a meeting with an editor from Harper Collins this month and subject to my proposal being accepted [and she loves my ideas already] the book should be due out in December 00. I'll keep you posted and from time to time, I might be asking for your help with research....if you do give me any significantly useful information, be sure.... I'll acknowledge you in the credits...

F L I R T A B O U T R E P O R T

MALE FLIRTABOUT JULY 29
I took 4 men out on the flirt to the Havana club in Fulham. Despite the noise they managed to do some work on each other - I gave them an exercise to discover their resources plus a few choice tips about what makes a man sexually attractive. But mostly I encouraged them to get out there and do something they hadn't done before....

We settled ourselves on a large leopardskin couch right at the back of the room and I sent the guys out on forays. One of them managed to break into a group of girls [something he had had problems with before] and another went out and dished out a few compliments. When I left one of them was chatting up a lovely girl. I believe everyone learnt something and they certainly had some new experiences. Two of them really hit it off and are socialising this week [this is all important..because the more people you know, the more opportunities you get to meet new friends...or mates...often the girl next door for one guy is the woman of his dreams for another....] All in all it was a successful evening, thoroughly exhausting but a lot of fun....

FEMALE FLIRTABOUT AUG 2
I took 3 women and a reporter from the Sun Woman supplement out on the flirt to a pub in London. This was amazingly successful. We started off in the top room of a very large airy pub. Here I worked with all the girls to find out what their particular barriers and beliefs were...Each one had different challenges from cynicism to believing they are not attractive... [they were all gorgeous in my mind and what suits one man doesn't suit another...!!] The evening was great fun and after exhausting the possibilities in the pub [one girl approached a barman who looked rather like her and discovered that not only was he a writer like her, he was also antipodean!!!]. We moved on to the Havana club [great place for flirting as its salsa oriented and women and men dance alone, which means anyone can dance with anyone!

Even the photographer joined in [he'd just been dumped the evening before because his job was taking him away from home too much!]. He startd to chat to one of the girls and I noticed that he liked her [I am trained to notice these things!!!]...I made sure he gave her his phone number - One girl remarked that she liked a guy across the room [another girl in the party was talking to him but didn't fancy him so I sent her over to chat..] At first she was a little awkward, but when I left she was holding his hand and gazing into his eyes...mmmmm things happen on these outings.... Another girl said that she liked sporty men [she was well into sports and fitness]but also liked going to raves... she thought the two didn't mix.. lo and behold she discovered the gorgeous hunky waiter was a workout fanatic who also liked going to raves...she got his phone number...
Watch out for the fun report in the sun Women's supplement either this Wednesday 11th or next 18th...[UK only - sorry!]

L E A R N I N G T O F L I R T - W H A T ' S C R U C I A L?

In Saturday's London Times I spied an interesting article on manners and chivalry. At the end of it, the author stated that he had been asked by one man how to learn flirting and had replied 'this is one social grace that cannot be taught'... I immediately put fingers to keyboard and wrote to the Times insisting that this was utter bullshit! Of course you can learn to flirt. If you have an innate ability to do something, you can reactivate it with the right help and attitude. ALL of us are capable of flirting, its genetically inbuilt into our psyche as a primitive method of attracting a mate. What has happened is that we have blocked it off after years of crap programming from our parents, teachers, so called friends etc...

Here's my list of crucial steps in the process of learning to flirt WELL.....

1. Realise that you have done this before, somewhere sometime, perhaps as a child.. but you HAVE done it. If you subscribe to the fact that all our actions are somehow imprinted in a physical memory then you must realise that it can be reactivated.

2. Know who you are and what is wonderful about you and focus on that. We all have a genetic imprint of a totally unique pattern that makes up us at our best. You've been there before and if you are facilitated correctly, you can rediscover how you are at your best...and bring it into your everyday life as a way of operating in the world. My greatest mentor, Joseph Riggio, told me " When you stand in that sliver of space that is completely and utterly you...then will you be truly magnificent [substitute the ultimate adjective to describe you here]...then will everything flow in the right way for you". I specialise in activating this in my classes and you can expect to spend most of the first morning working on who you are and getting someway to discovering 'YOU AT YOUR BEST".

3. You have to be able to put aside or change beliefs and barriers that stop you flirting. Comments from women like 'I don't want him to know I like him ' are amongst the most common ones I hear. If you don't want him to know, what do you think will encourage him to approach you...and surely if you don't want him to know you aren't going to approach him yourself. Get real ladies... if you like someone you want him to know....what you don't want is to be rejected. Men say things like 'She'll probably say no or the see big brick walls in front of them... again, this is all about rejection. They either are so afraid of being rejected that they just stop themselves with a brick wall or they talk themselves out of it....

4. Accept that rejection is part of life. If everyone liked everyone else in that kind of way, it would be pandemonium. It just isn't like that. Good salespeople relish rejection. They know that statistically they will get a sale if they approach 100 people. Therefore when they get a no, instead of saying 'ohmigosh they don't like me, or no one will buy my product' they say ' Great, I'm one closer to getting a yes!'. Remember the adage...If you get a NO, move on to the NEXT [Susan Bradley coined this simple phrase and it has proved very successful as a reminder for all my flirting participants that rejection is not the end of the world, it is bye bye to a bad deal and hello to a possible new one round the corner....

5. Open your eyes and notice the world...begin to focus on others and come outside from inside your head...stop babbling and talking s**t to yourself about how no one will like you or how you are unattractive or how everyone will notice that spot on your face...because what YOU focus on will leak from every pore of your body and draw towards it the attention of others.. So why not start focusing on what is good about you, put it aside and go out there to look for what is good in others...and tell them.

S I G N A L S O F F L I R T I N G

One of the most popular questions I am asked is 'What are the signals of flirting'? This is definitely a male question....although females sometimes ask it. People want me to teach them the signals and I refuse...well I refuse to do it consciously in the way they expect. What I teach instead is how to become a 'secret agent of signal detection'.... If I were to give everyone a list of the signals, they would spend half their time inside their heads examining the behaviour of every person they met...as if they were checking it out on a computer database...by the time you've recognised it's a signal, the quarry has disappeared...or met someone else.

My advice is to shut up and open your eyes....... spend some time each day people watching. Notice how people's faces change when you talk to them..learn how to detect the difference between a false smile and a real one...Check out the flirty body language in parks and bars and any social gathering....

There are umpteen books on body language...and I have studied most of them. Last week I was reading a small book on body language when I came across some very amusing sections on courtship behaviour. For each so-called signal of flirting, there was a flirting explanation AND a non flirting explanation. It is important to realise that just because someone does what is considered a 'flirting action' it doesn't mean they are flirting.... [that's why I don't teach signals...I get you to discover them for yourselves]

Do not think that because someone licks their lips they are hot for you..they could have food on the edge of their mouth,or dry lips!!!!! Watch not for single signals but a combination of signals that tell you they are interested... I have developed a fun new way of facilitating your ability to detect signals, and all will be revealed on my next flirting playshop in December.

However, there are some interesting stages that all courtship procedures follow, both in the animal kingdom and with humans...here they are:

Stage 1 - Signalling the presence. Here I am,notice me
Stage 2 - I am male/female [or in the homosexual world - I am a male who likes males or a female who likes females]
Stage 3 - I am friendly, I mean you no harm
Stage 4 - Speaking
Stage 5 - Touching

Notice that all of these stages are non verbal with the exception of stage 4 speaking.

Whether you subscribe to the Darwinian school of thought that all non verbal signals are innate or whether you believe like LaBarre that man nonverbal signals are socially learnt, the fact remains that we are giving off non verbal signals all the time. Even our jewellery is a signal....

What is the significance of jeweller?. We see it as an adornment, but it comes from the very beginnings of life on earth. Our eyes are designed to spot food in the format of brightly coloured objects[in those days berries and fruit]. Necklaces and bracelets appeal to the structure of our eyes and an innate desire to feed ourselves...and draw the attention towards them.

HANDS
Watch people's hands...they have a disporportionately large area reserved for them on our cerebral cortex because they are so important as signallers and receivers. Almost everything the hand does is a sign.

In my advanced flirting workshops I teach people to work with hand signals, noticing how we mark out our life in the space around us.... this will be covered in detail in my book....but for now...as you move through the world and begin to notice people using their hands more and more..you can start to form your own conclusions [be careful not to stereotype people] and learn something from it....

And so until we meet again in cyberspace in the next two months, keep flirting, keep feeling good about yourself and stop talking to yourself....except to say NICE things....

THE THINGS KIDS SAY
When asked what most people do on a date
Martin 10 replied "Onthe first date they tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date"
Craig 9 replied "Many daters eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love"

Where do they get this from!!!

YOUR NEWS
If you have any news please let me know...of any results, fun times, thoughts or questions....this newsletter will be all the richer for YOUR contributions.
Next newsletter is coming out on Oct 10th...if you want to write something please send it in before then...

big smiles and happy flirting

Peta
www.flirtzone.com
0700 4 FLIRTING [0700 4 354 784]
info@flirtzone.com
Flirting from the Inside Out

If you wish to reprint any of these writings on a related dating, singles or romance site, please contact me

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