If you have signed up to this list and are a young or
pre-teenager,
feel free to read on.. but bear in mind the content is aimed
at
slightly older folk. If you want some great tips for kids
on
flirting and dating try www.adolescentadulthood.com
If you want to unsubscribe, please DON'T write to me. I won't
be
able to help you. There should be unsubscribe info at the end
of
this mail. Else go to www.egroups.com/group/flirting and
unsubscribe
yoruself. There's directions. and NOW.. the
newsletter....
Enormous apologies for not sending out this newsletter
regularly. I
have been busy writing and editing my book 'Flirt Coach' which is
to
be released by Harper Collins/Thorsons on Feb 9th 2001 in the
UK
and in June in the US. I've also been doing
lots of other
interesting things such as giving seminars abroad, seeing
private
clients and brushing up on my own development. I still get a
stream
of TV work which brings me neatly on to how people define
flirting
and what they think can be taught.
DESPERATION V HEALTHY DESIRE
Last week I was asked to go on a TV programme about women who
wanted
to marry rich men. I was told there was a lady who was
DESPERATE to
marry a rich man. They asked me if I could give her some
flirting
lessons to help her catch her man. My answer was - the only
lesson
I'd give her is to teach her not to be desperate. They dropped
me
from the programme because they were convinced a few flirting
tips
would solve this woman's problems. I'm glad they dropped me,
because
I firmly believe what I believe. Tips and techniques don't
alter
what's fundamentally not working inside. There are ways... and
as
you continue to read this newsletter you may find some useful
ideas..
meanwhile.. desperation!!!
Desperation is not the same thing as really wanting
something. When
you really want something, I've found that a good way to begin
to
draw it to you is to do the following exercise.
1. Imagine what it is that you want to have happen [be
realistic -
marrying Robbie Williams when you are 45 is probably not realistic
-
although I've met his father who is 50'is and he's very very
nice!!!!].
2. Make an image of it and make the image very lifelike
and
lifesize. We all do this all the time - seeing things in
our mind's
eye [that's why it's called that, we do have an 'eye' in our
mind!].
3. Make sure that the image and what is happening is
like a movie,
not still.
Make sure you are in it!!!
4. The best way to real-eyes [make it real to your eyes
-
realize!!!] this is to step into the image.
5. You should be seeing what happens around YOU not
watching
yourself far away doing it.
6. Say to yourself what you'd like to hear being said or
imagine
the voice of the person you're with saying nice things to you
7. Make sure you get nice feelings and notice where they are
in your
body.
8. Focus your attention on these feelings and imagine
them moving
all round your body and increasing in intensity.
9. Now let go of the image and the desire and say
"I'm putting this
out there and if it is to happen it will"
10. Treat yourself to something nice!
One of the biggest impediments to realising our dreams is
worrying
about them and spending time wanting them in a desperate
way.
Saying things like 'why can't I have what I want' or 'I really need
a
man to make me complete' or I must find a woman soon or else' are
not
helpful. They enhance desperation. Acknowledging
and then letting
go of what we want is the surest way to allow it to come to us
naturally.
I was in a relationship that was not right for the next stage of
my
life's journey. I didn't want to face the pain of giving up
and
moving and leaving my home, my cat and someone who adored
me. I was
afraid. I spent a lot of time debating with myself
and ignoring
the part of me that said 'you must do this for your own
good'.
What happened? I found myself starting a wild fling with
another
man. It didn't last long, but I realise now that it was
my body's
way of making me sit up and take notice. My partner found out
and
yet, it wasn't until 3 years later that I finally took action
and
moved on to continue my journey in a different way.
Don't allow yourself to wait longer than you need to. Begin
to
listen to what your heart and soul are telling you.
FLIRTING TIPS
I've seen quite a bit in the press about a lady who is
teaching 'power flirting'. She professes that if you follow
her tips
you'll get a rich man. Other people have websites
selling things
like pheremones and giving tips to guys on opening
lines. NONE of
this stuff will work unless you feel good about
yourself. FIRST you
have to get those great feelings inside and then you'll start to
leak
it to others.
No one wants to be with a miserable person. If you are
always
whining and complaining, chances are the potential person of
your
dreams will notice this. They'll make vivid images of going on
a
date with you and having you complain about where you go, the
food,
the coffee, the music - whatever. And,
they'll think.. no way!
Your best chance of attracting people to you is to be happy
and
sunshiney. Now I know some of you might say.. but that's not
easy.
No, it isn't always easy in the sense that you just read this and
do
it. BUT to be a moaning minnie or whinging walter is
evern
worse... it actually damages your immune system. Try
faking a smile
right now. Research proves that even when you fake it, you
are
creating different reactions in your body to being miserable...
Try
it.. Pretend to smile.. turn up the corners of your mouth and
just
smile.. the thought of doing such a silly thing might even make
you
smile!!!!
FLIRTING IS HEALTHY
A lady did a study in New York of flirts. She discovered that
people
who flirt more often have higher white cell counts and are
generally
healthier. When people are thinking nice thoughts,
their immune
system gets boosted. You know those lovely feelings you can
get. I
get them when I come home from being away and see my cat at
the
door. You may have them with a best friend, or someone you
love.
You may just get it when you see your home all tidy and neat or
after
achieving something, or when you are praised at work or watch
a
romantic movie. You definitely get them when you are
sexually
aroused.
These feelings are actually chemicals moving around in your
body.
They are what I call the 'happy chemicals'. They
do you good.
So doesn't it make sense to do things that make you feel good and
are
good for you at the same time? I think it does!
HOW DO I GET TO FEEL GOOD
There are many books and courses out there that are good starters
to
help you get into the feelgood way of living. The
Flirting Weekend
is designed to do just that and so is my book Flirt
Coach. I have done lots of different courses in my
search to feel better and enjoy my life more. Over the years I
have noticed such big changes in my life. I used to work as
a
secretary and hated it [this is a great job if you enjoy it as
are
all jobs].... I resented having to do things that weren't me...
I
found myself going to the self-help bookshelves and picking up
books
and browsing.
A quick visit to your local bookstore or online bookshop with
a
search on personal development, will reveal shelves of books
designed
to help you make more of your life.. The journey of a lifetime
starts
with the first step... take yours today. SMILE.. right now..
and say
to yourself - it can only get better!!!
RIDDING YOURSELF OF NEGATIVE THOUGHTS
Have you ever thought horrid things about people. I certainly
have.
I might think it does me good, but all it does is generate
'misery
chemicals' in my body. Try this for one day. Each time
you think
badly of someone, perhaps someone in a queue, or someone who cut
you
up on the road, or someone who isn't very nice to you, or someone
you
are jealous of. Say to yourself... they are only human, I
forgive
them and send them a little bit of love. Try
it and see how it
makes you feel... probably better!!!
At the end of the day, when you take a shower, stand there and say
to
yourself.. I'm sending all the bad thoughts I've had down the
plughole back into the earth, where they will get turned into
goodness. Actually if you know anything about how nature
works,
dead animals rot into the earth to provide nutrition for other
plants
and food. When we breathe out we get rid of waste,
carbon dioxide.
Carbon dioxide is to plants what oxygen is to us. Plants take
in our
carbon dioxide as if it were a gourmet meal and expel their
waste..
oxygen.. the food of life to us!!! It is a really good
system.
FLIRTING EVENTS
I'm holding some flirting events in the UK and Amsterdam in the
next
few months.. I've already got quite a few participants for
the
December flirting weekend..
December 8th and 9th. I have lots of men,
but not enough women
[what is it that holds women back from actually coming on
these
weekends? The ones that do come love every moment of it and
get
great results!!!]. So, I'm offering a special deal
to women.
AMSTERDAM FLIRTING APRIL 2002
I'm planning to go to Amsterdam at the end of April
Last
year even in cold and wet January, we had people from Belgium,
Holland, Greece and the UK all gathered together to have a great
fun-
filled flirty weekend.
This year, I'm planning an even better weekend, with more
people,
more activities and more fun. The venue is a special
spiritually warm and feng shui linked place. It promises to be
the flirting event
of the year. Amsterdam is a wonderful city, full
of warm, open and
laid back people. The canals and small streets are great to
wander
around and the city is small enough to feel at home in
quickly.
There are great unique shops and of course the red light district
and
coffee shops are often a fun attraction.
If you are interested in attending this weekend and think it might
be
a great excuse to add a couple of extra days and treat yourself to
a
holiday... then let me know. I'm going to compile a list of
good
value hotels or websites where you can find accommodation.
Flights
from other parts of Europe and the UK are very very reasonable..
even
as low as £30 return if you book far ahead enough.
Perhaps even its
an opportunity for some of you in the States to get on over to
Europe
at the same time as improving your life and flirtatiousness!!!
All in all, Amsterdam is a great European venue and I'm
looking
forward to meeting some of you there.
FLORIDA FLIRTING
I co-hosted and trained a wonderful 3-day seminar in Florida with
my
friend Jonathan Altfeld. I love Jonathan because he is naughty
and
flirty [he isn't traditionally hunky, but women seem to flock
to
him.. probably because he is so happy with himself!]... We had
a
great time, had some amazing feedback from participants and
met
people from all over. We're planning another event next
year,
probably in late Autumn, which may be held somewhere else in
the
States. If you know of any great venues and can suggest a
good
central location that is WELL served with flights in and out of
major
US cities and Europe.. then do get in touch...
A DIFFERENT WAY OF THINKING
When I offer deals to fill up my flirting weekends, it isn't a
problem that I'm getting less money. I'm not
saying I don't like
money, but I don't want to make it my goal. I think when
you enjoy
what you do, and put your all into it, good things happen as a
result. These weekends are part of something
bigger. They are a
minute part of my aim to spread the word to people that feeling
good
about yourself and going out there and making others feel the same
is
very very important...
Marianne Williamson said "Success means that we go to sleep at night knowing that our
talents
and abilities were used in a way that serves others"
I also know that when I let go of the desire to trawl in money,
and
concentrate on having a good time, enjoying my life and my work,
I
get in more than I need. It's always the way. Let go and
it comes
to you.. Like the bird in the cage... Try to keep it chained up
and
you'll find it struggling to get away from you..
ATTRACTION ADDICTION
Are you one of those people who is addicted to the idea of
attraction? Do you put in masses of effort to the first few
heady
days of a romantic encounter and then pull back when the movie
style
effects wear off? Some people expect their life to
be one
continuous round of how it is when you first meet.
You know the feelings when you first fall into lust... the
other
person seems to have no flaws. They may hate Italian food
while you
love it.. so you never suggest going Italian. Because
you are so
driven by lust, you find yourself saying how much you love to
eat
Chinese, just to please them, when actually it's not your favour ite
at all. Then you find yourself saying how it doesn't matter
that
they want to watch the game all night, you like it too when in
reality you hate it. You blind yourself to
any of their habits
because you want to believe they are perfect. You
are seeing the
other person through rose coloured glasses AND what's worse, you
are
deleting parts of yourself to fit into the dream of romance
you are
creating.
I'm not saying that after the initial romance wears off it all
goes
downhill.. NO! I am saying that if you set someone up on a
pedestal
and see them as all perfect, you are probably setting them up for
a
fall. After the first heady days or weeks of romance, the
first
moment you notice they have food spilled on their tie, or their
hair
isn't quite in place, you will begin to judge them against
the
idealised version of who you imagined them to be. We are
all
human... Remember this and remember no one is perfect and it's
not
fair to expect them to be just because you imagine they are...
When you can learn to love someone for their flaws as well as
the
wonderful things that attracted you to them. .. then you will be in
a
healthy state to develop a great relationship...
I recently started seeing someone who I met in one of those 'hit
with
an arrow of desire across the room' kind of encounters . He
had the
looks and the energy that attracts me. Our initial
encounters were
very coloured with the red red tinge of lust! Now that I have
got to
know him and enjoy not just his body but his company and his mind,
I
look at him and see the flaws, reminding myself that I too am
not
perfect and I smile. I laugh with him, do ordinary
things with him
as well as fun things and somehow although we still have lots
of
lust, we have accepted each other for who we
are.
I'm writing a story about attraction addiction and it will be on
my
website in a few days.
FLIRTING SOLUTIONS -My overflowing mailbag!
I get lots and lots of mails from people asking things like 'How do
I
flirt?'. I just can't answer questions like this. They
are too
wide. It's like asking someone to teach you french by
email. It
isn't just a set of techniques you do and everything
works. It's an
attitude and a state of being first and then you can play with
techniques.
So, while I welcome your mails. I am only able to answer mails
with
specific questions... or situations. If you are in a
situation and
want some help do write. I can't guarantee I'll answer, but if
it
interests me I will. Otherwise, sometimes,
just writing it is
helpful in itself to clarify in your mind what you
want.
THERE IS NO MR/MS RIGHT
And now we come to the end of this long belated and awaited
newsletter.
I leave you with the words, again of Marianne Williamson
"Years ago I would pray for a wonderful man to come and take
my
desperation away. Ultimately I said to myself "Why
don't you try to
deal with that BEFORE he gets here?" I can't imagine any
man [or
woman - peta's addition] saying to a friend "Gee, I met a
fabulous
desperate person last night"!!! Looking for Mr/Miss
Right leads to
desperation, because there is no Mr/Ms Right. There is whoever
is in
front of us, and the perfect lessons to be learned from that
person."
My ex-partner has been part of my life's learning and now remains
a
dear friend who is close to my heart It
isn't about someone being
wrong or right, it's about a journey we are making and the
companions
we meet along the way. Everyone we meet is part of
our lesson...
and part of our journey...and everyone is right for us at the
time...
Think about it.. carefully and remember to SMILE!!!
Recently I was asked to pass on some flirting tips on a TV show. The two
subjects they had lined up for me couldn't be more different. Rachel
couldn't wait to show off her 'great flirting technique'.
She looked at a man straight in the eyes and if he didn't respond she would grab his face
[yes literally grab it with her hands!], then she would conjure up images
of 'dirty sex' and stare into his eyes. When I asked her if it worked she
nodded her head eagerly. When I asked her if she got lots of offers of
'dirty sex' she nodded again, this time not so eagerly. 'The problem
is'
she wailed, 'I only want a drink!'
Sometimes you can overdo the flirting,
girls! Guys, beware of the overt sexual flirt. Either she is a 'sex and
the city' vamp out for a night of wild sex or she is using her sexuality to
gain attention and not necessarily to transmit her readiness for sex.
Tricky one this!
The other subject had the problem of looking at men she didn't fancy but
turning away from those she did! Talk about reverse signals - This might
sound funny and amusing but sadly, the 'don't look
at him, he might realise I like him' syndrome is common to many
women.
Ladies, how in hell's name are you
supposed to attract a mate if he doesn't know you like him! Really!
So, that leads me to the don'ts of flirting
We make an impression of someone new within the first 30 seconds of our
encounter. What you do could put someone off before you've had a chance
to show the great side of your personality.
* Don't flirt sexually if all you want is some attention or a drink. What
you give out is what you'll get
* Don't be too pushy. Guys, if you chat up a girl, be wary of hanging
around and asking for a date too soon, it might put her off
* Don't talk too loudly. Not everyone wants to be the centre of attention
and talking loudly might put off your potential flirtee by drawing attention to them as well as yourself.
* Don't start off a conversation by moaning about the location, the food,
your friends. No one wants to be landed with a moaning minnie.
It only
drags down their mood and creates negative chemical emissions in both of
you.
* Don't wear overtly sexually revealing outfits unless you are after sex.
Again, the clothes you wear say more about you than you might imagine. Many men imagine women are 'up for it' if they reveal masses of flesh. Surveys show that women tend to reveal more flesh when they are ovulating. This is a throwback to our roots when it was important to attract a partner
to procreate. Nowadays it's not so paramount so be careful.
* Don't talk about yourself all night. Your potential flirtee might suspect you will be uncaring and inconsiderate as well as self centred.
* Don't see buying someone a drink as an investment in their time. Buying
a drink is all you are buying!
* Don't take rejection to heart. You don't want to be with someone who
doesn't like you do you ?
And now that you have a few don'ts here are some do's...
Do smile and make eye contact. Girls, this is especially important -
men need clear signals. Look once, hold the gaze for no more than 4
seconds. Make sure to look back again and SMILE then look away.
Keep doing it until you get a reaction and if it's good, go
for it!
Do, if you are a man, pay a compliment [ladies can do this too] and then
withdraw. Be sure to take up a position where you can observe any
subsequent signals the object of your dreams might send you!
Do take risks - If you have ever let that someone go because you
hesitated remember - he/she who hesitates, waits and waits and waits. You
are guaranteed to miss 100% of the shots you never take!
Do brush up on some topical subjects for conversation. Watch the news,
listen to the radio or read the paper.
Do be curious about people. Try to see every new person as a doorway to
new opportunities, friends, ideas and fun.
Do be prepared to reveal something about yourself without making yourself
the sole topic of conversation.
Do look out for things to complement. Start observing people and
noticing what you like - on a daily basis, imagine the compliments you
would give to people you see in the street or on public transport or at the
office.
Do keep the compliments non
sexual to start with. Clothes, jewellery, ties are all
safe subjects. And if you like someone, tell them WHY you
like them.
Do be prepared to ask questions that could lead to conversation. 'How
do you get to so and so' Do you know the time of the next train', Where
did you get that briefcase, my brother, friend, would love one just like
it.
Do take rejection as par for the course. Successful sales people welcome
rejection. They know that often they have to make 100 attempts before they
get a yes, so they see each no as being one step nearer to a yes!Back
to the top
52 FEMALE SIGNALS - some of them revealed
Dr Monica Moore of St Louis Missouri spent 2,000 hours observing women's
flirting activities. She found that the women who get the most response
from men are the ones who send out the most signals. Women who gave out
more than 35 displays of signals per hour got about 4 approaches. The more
variety the women used, the more approaches they got!
Some of the signals that Moore noticed were:
Darting glance
Short and sustained gazing
Primping and preening
smiling
lip licking
pouting
giggling
laughing
nodding.
The seek and zoom approach Lots of women began with a gaze that looked round the room [as if looking
for likely targets] followed by a short darting glance at the prospect,
looking away quickly, looking back and looking away again.
The scatter approach Some women would alternately flirt with several different men until they
got a positive response from one man.
The look at me approach A few women hiked up their skirts to show more leg to a particular man.
When men they weren't targeting noticed, they would pull down their skirts
until the one they were targeting responded.
The go for it approach When these subtle signals failed, some women would parade across the room
towards their target, swaying their hips [look at what a good reproductive
body I have!], thrusting out their breasts [I can feed your children!] with
their head held high.
Which of these approaches have you tried ladies? Chaps, have any of you
noticed these signals. Now is the time to start observing what happens
when you go out. Instead of going straight in for the kill, start to
look around and see what other people do and rate their measure of success. Children learn most by observing and then doing. Which brings me to my
next topic - Flirtabouts. An opportunity to learn by observing and doing
under my expert guidance. What better way to polish your flirting skills
and have a lot of fun at the same time.
Flirtabouts is a totally new concept and once again its a first for the UK.
Flirting Academy, the UK's first and only school/academy of flirting aims to
bring you new ways to increase your ability to meet people and have fun.
When you come on a flirtabout with me, you will be given some expert
tuition to brush up your flirting skills. Then, in one of London's hottest
flirting spots, you and 3 others will observe the flirting habits of the
people around you.
You will all be encouraged to get up and have a go, and
the rest of the group will give you feedback. I will then help you to
moderate and improve your own individual flirting style so that you can
keep practising. The aim of the game is for you to flirt 'n learn whilst
having fun in a lighthearted way. This promises to be very popular
judging by the number of enquiries I have had. Back
to the top
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS - is it spoiling our natural tendancies to flirt?
Those of you from the states are probably more conscious of political
correctness and its damaging effect on flirting. What used to be a bit
of harmless fun is now liable to be condemned as 'sexual harrassment'.
Here are some amusing anecdotes/facts from the States. G-d forbid that it
gets as bad over here.
Apparently,LIP LICKING, TEETH-LICKING and PROVCOATIVE EATING are on the
list of 'unacceptable gestures' distributed at the University of Maryland.
A wonderful example of provocative eating is a book called Rude Food first
published in the 70s - probably classed as obscene literature nowadays!
Excessive Eye Contact
University of Toronto chemistry professor RH was recently prosecuted for
'prolonged staring' at a female student.
Insufficient Eye Contact
As if the above weren't enough to worry about, a handbook published by
Barnard College in New York warns male professors who fail to make insufficient eye contact with their students that their conduct might
contribute to 'biased atmosphere in the classroom' and may cause women to
'feel discouraged or physically threatened'.
What I want to know is who is measuring this eye contact and what are the
standards. We might laugh, but when things get this out of hand, its
time to say 'no more'. We are human beings not robots.
Public Displays of Affection
The Minnesota Department of Education discourages public displays of
affection on the grounds that they 'may offend others and are 'heterosexist'. Oh really? I think everyone, gay, hetero and otherwise
should continue to be public in thei rdisplay of affection - will they then
be accused of being 'affectioinist'!!!! This is just too crazy for me!
I dearly hope that this is one thing that does not cross the
Atlantic...although I suspect its likely...Oh dear, will they start to
monitor the Flirting Weekend and will we be banned for encouraging politically incorrect
behaviour. Of course we can all just stay home and
indulge in virtual cybercontact, we might destroy our eyesight, suffer from
excessive computer screen emissions, get carpal tunnel syndrome and forget
how to talk, but at least we'll be politically correct.....NO NO NO!!!
FLIRTING IN THE MEDIA
As many of you have read on the web page, I have had an enormous amount of
media attention as a result of my launching the first every flirting
classes in the UK. I have done everything from taking journalists out
on flirtabouts, to running mock flirting weekends in my home, teaching
writers to flirt and talking endlessly on the radio and TV about flirting.
I have even been given my own radio spot on Liberty radio which I have just heard has been upgraded to a studio guest spot on Mondays. The show
will cover all aspects of flirting to relationships....so if you live in
London, tune into Liberty between 1.15 pm and 1.45 pm on
963/972 AM.
FLIRT - COACHING
For those of you who are a little shy of attending a weekend, I offer
personal flirt coaching - together we will work on what stops you getting
what you want out of life and meeting people. Some people feel they
need a session or two before they attend a weekend and this is fine. If
you are interested do get in touch...NUMBERS at the END of THIS MAIL
If you enjoyed this edition of the Flirting Academy newsletter, please write and
tell me..If you have suggestions for content, I'd love to hear from you....Back
to the top
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