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Testimonials from Dec 4th and 5th Weekend From a 32 year old female participant "As I'm sure you know,
what you teach is actually Life skills...the flirting is an
added bonus!! If everyone was to benefit from the advice and
support you give then it I really can't thank you
enough for giving me the opportunity to have such a unique and
fantastic experience and to witness so many people truly at
their best - it was inspirational."
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When
to call | How do I know she's flirting | Hopeless
flirt | | I
want to initiate with the girls | Women who
tease too much | | She's flirting
with my boyfriend | My daughter needs tips
| How do I get from flirting to dating? I am a widow of 3 years, am 56 yrs old; run a
successful business, look
pretty good - I am very new at relationships . Many men young and old flirt with me,
professionally and socially. I flirt back - incidentally, I scored mostly
b's on your quiz -- they seem very interested and often say things to suggest a meeting or Flirticia says: First of all, congratulations on being able to recognise what's good about you..your successful business and that you look pretty good. AND you scored as a 'natural flirt' when you did my quiz. Bet you knew that already! Nowadays, and especially on your side of the pond, political correctness and sexual harrassment are the two burdens men have to bear... while it protects women from real harm, lots of men have become intimidated and might need a little push. My question to you is 'how do you know' they seem interested, and all of you can ask yourself this question whenever you think you know something. I asked one guy how he knew a girl liked him and he said it was the eye contact.. she always stared and waited for him to say something. You said they often 'say things
to suggest a meeting or a date' but nothing materialises.
Have you noticed how you use they as the preposition but
when it comes to materialising, the verb is unspecified... who
do you think is going to do the materialising? Puff the
magic dragon? You reinforce this belief by saying
'they never initiate a date' Linguistic analysis
apart, I think this is a strong clue to what you should do. You
are waiting for them to the lead. Imagine for a moment
what they might be thinking...'shall I ask her out' will
she say no' etc... Take the initiative... ask them. And before you do, say to yourself 'you look good, you are successful and someone is going to be right for you'... and if they say no, that's OK. ' No one got anywhere in this world without trying stuff and sometimes getting the wrong result before getting the one that was right for them.. Rejection helps you to keep on the right track. I know you are 56, and you have
only been on the scene for 3 years...and although you say you
are new to relationships, I think you mean you are new to dating
again. Great, isn't it exciting to have a second
chance at all that heart fluttering
excitement! Times have changed since you and
your husband probably first got together...[I am assuming lots
here so apologies if I am wrong]. Women have more options to
take the initiative and its more socially acceptable and quite frankly
the majority of men I talk to would love it that you have
made a move or given them an opening..[not literally..YET!]. One more thing...if
anyone tells you that at your age you are too old or there are
no men around tell them to go f**k themselves... there are
plenty of men around so make sure your belief system is backing
up your inner desires.... when the two work in harmony, stuff
happens, when you least expect it.. ! My intimidating daughter needs some tips Hi, I wonder if you could perhaps help me. I have a fifteen year old daughter who is outgoing, pretty and full of confidence. She has no problem with chatting to anyone and the boys at her school all enjoy her company and hang around her desk. The problem is that she is academically gifted and intimidates some because of her cleverness. I suspect she also portrays a cheeky and slightly aggressive tone at times too. She 's very mature and loves smart repartee but I will not let her date guys more than 2 years older than herself. It is obvious that many boys are interested in her and would like to ask her out, but they are also a little terrified. She shows little interest in the guys who are wild, preferring the ones who are reserved. What books can I get her to read, that will give her ideas to soften her approach. She is a very sensible teen so I don't mind her flirting...it make life more exciting and fun... and it make's the recipients feel good too. However she needs some tips. She does not need a book especially written for teens, an adult book will do. I will screen it first and just share with her the chapters that could be of help to her. Brenda Flirticia says I don't think your daughter has a problem at all.. As you say, she is pretty, confident, outgoing and academically gifted. Wow, what a lucky girl. How do you know she intimidates boys and how do you know they want to ask her out [other than she is obviously attractive] ? I think you are worrying to much but if you do want your daughter to read a book on flirting I would suggest Susan Rabin's 'How to attract anyone, anywhere, anytime' available from Amazon.com. My own book, Flirt! for Success in friendship, love and career is due out next year. That said, give her some time to settle down, at 15 she is still developing and most parents would give their right hands to have such a gifted, attractive and outgoing child and sensible too. Meanwhile, you can encourage your daughter to keep a balance of academic and social pursuits. One of the greatest challenges I faced in my life was the fact that my mother encouraged me to depend on my beauty.. I was constantly being told how attractive I was and encouraged to wear make up, and at school, where I was academically gifted but lazy, I was told how I wasn't trying. I rather resented the fact that when I got an A- I was just told, 'can do better'. It took me a long time to stop relying on being beautiful to succeed and use my brains. Don't be too hasty to try and mould your daughter.. she seems so well balanced from what you say, I think she will have little problem in attracting the man that is right for her. And remember most average boys are probably not for her, she needs someone who will respect her wit, brilliance and beauty and NOT be intimidated.. So, it's not for her to change, but for her to know that the right man will come along for her. Another book that might be useful for your daughter is 'Live the Life you Love' by Barbara Sher again its available at Amazon. This book encourages people to be who they are and live their dreams. You would be better advised to encourage your daughter to do what she loves than what you think is right for her. Let me know of her progress. A few years ago I knew a girl
Roxanne. Roxanne flirted very heavily with guys, she never let a relationship become
physical, and would cut her attention as soon as she had 'won a guy' emotionally. I was one of those guys who fell
for Roxanne then. Do some girls have a psychological problem like this, or am I the Flirticia says Oh dear, so Roxanne got date raped, ended up with a kid and now has no social life. Is this meant to be the moral of the story for sexual teases? I hope not. That said, perhaps it's something you ladies can learn from. I am not suggesting that women deserve to be raped. But not all men are good guys who take this kind of sexual teasing lightly. So beware. When you start to play with men's hormones, and their sexual feelings, you are playing with fire. Reserve your overt sexual flirting for those guys you want to sleep with and tone it down for the rest. Men on the other hand have to learn to contain their emotions. Even if someone hurts you guys, it is no excuse for rape... The macho thing to do is to be grateful you got away and that you have had a lesson in recognising a type of woman to steer clear of. It is not acceptable to decide that she deserves all she is apparently asking for because she is not asking for sex, she is, in her very immature and insecure way, asking for attention. We know that's not the way to get it, but just consider them as pitiful creatures and walk away! Lewis, you have 3 choices. You can continue as you are being Linda's friend and not showing your feelings and living in a state of unrequited 'love' hoping that maybe she'll just kind of guess how you feel and ask you out.. You can decide to look elsewhere, because you don't want to risk losing your friendship OR, you can ask Linda out. So many men say, I don't want to risk our friendship by asking someone out. Well, that's just a risk you have to take.. There is no easy answer to this and no guarantee it will work out. It is always a risk starting a relationship with someone at work but the fact remains that most people meet their partners at work! As the sage says you have to 'suck it and see'. Make sure your behaviour is such that even if it doesn't work out you have nothing to be ashamed of. You never know, she might come on to you!! She's flirting with my boyfriend Help my boyfriend flirts with my friend who sits next to him in class. She's a girl and I have been inviting her to parties and social events. She has a boyfriend of her own but she keeps flirting with all the guys that are taken!!!! it's driving me insane. My boyfriend doesn't flirt with her that much just a natural flirting but her flirting with my boyfriend is full blown! It's bugging me into insanity! I became friends with her cause I know how hard it is to be a new girl and this is how she repays me!? How do I get this to stop!!!!!!!!!!!????Please help! My boyfriend isn't really flirting but how do I tell her to back off without hurting her feelings or losing a friend? Chris Flirticia says Ah the age old problem! And although it was sent to me by a high school kid it is something that affects people of all ages. Firstly, Chris says she is being driven 'insane' by her friends flirting. And probably she is not so sure of her own boyfriend's loyalty that she can easily ignore it. This is a question of self esteem and it takes a very strongly confident person to accept that although other people are pursuing their partner, it doesn't mean that their partner is party to infidelity. Generally at this age, we are not so secure in our relationships so I can understand why Chris is upset. Chris also suggests that what her friend is doing is an insult to her especially since she befriended her and introduced her around. Chris needs to tell her friend straight out that she doesn't enjoy her behaviour and feels it shows lack of respect to her. She might suggest that her friend doesn't realise what she is doing.. and ask her how she flirts with her own boyfriend and isn't there a difference. Chris has to be careful that she doesn't come across as over jealous to her own boyfriend. He might see the interaction with the other girl as harmless flirting, and he is probably flattered.. and if Chris gets too anxious by making bitchy comments to him, it might push him away. Her best defence is to flirt full on with her own boyfriend so that he is not tempted by this other girl. I would suggest that Chris's friend is one of these girls who needs to flaunt her sexuality and attract men in order to bolster up her self esteem. It may be that she has no intention of sleeping with anyone, just teasing them. This is a dangerous kind of behaviour for girls to develop. No one deserves to be raped, or even asks for it, but it is advisable for girls to learn to tone down the signals they send out, especially to young men.. or they may find themselves being offered more than admiration from afar! I want to initiate with the girls for once. Answserd by Devon White - guest columnist. Devon is 21 from New York, and a workshop facilitator. I'm 21 and I have a great attitude about myself in almost every area of myself, although sometimes, my confidence and self esteem concerning my attractiveness to women wanes. Every says I'm handsome and that I get a lot of girls. I mean, I grew up with women only in my house so I know how to talk to them. It's just that I have trouble initiating new encounters and getting to know them just off the fly. I always seem to have some girl who is infatuated with me and they are usually attractive themselves. However, only once have I gotten someone whom I considered gorgeous and again, she came after me!!! ( She also cheated on my and I was forced to dump her!!!!!!)It seems like my style to have them come to me, but I WANT TO GO AFTER THEM AND GET THEM!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO BE THE INITIATOR. Please decipher my blockage and show me the light. I would love to get clarity, because right now, I just can't see what I need to do. Devon says: It's funny I used to actually operate on a very similar flirting strategy to yours and the funniest thing, I think it works brilliantly you know...in some ways, I feel as though the attraction of always attracting the other person...is definitely not intuitively available to everyone and so is a skill in and of itself...I know, it worked like a charm for me for years. Anyway, if you're really looking for gorgeous women you have to think...well what is it that I want the women I want to want from a man...so that I'll be the perfect fit for them and in turn they will be the perfect fit for you in this time that this is really what you want...and then ASK yourself the question...do they want a man who, when they see him, is inside of himself hallucinating that he's telepathic and then talking to himself about not being able to engage them and sees pictures of himself as a scrawny weakling who feels STOPPED? OR...do
they want to see a man who upon becoming aware of their
goddessly presence recognises it fully and treats them
with such a I'm a hopeless flirt - I think he'll say no At my work place there is
this guy. I want to ask him out but I think he will say
no. I tried being myself but its not working. There's two
reasons I think he will say no, one because I'm over
weight and two because he's white and I'm black and he
seems to like the preppy white girl type. I'm not that
good at flirting even though I read your tips on doing
it. Oh there's another problem. I work with a girl that thinks he's hot, she flirts with him constantly and I must say she does a great job and she's white so I think she would have a better shot at it then I. If I go ahead and ask him and he says no I will feel so humiliated I would probably have to quit work. Most of the time when I ask guys out they laugh at me and talk about me like I'm a dog. I think it's mainly because I'm not a size 4. What do I do? I feel so hopeless! Flirticia Says... As you read this letter above, first consider what do YOU think is the problem here? For me several things fly out from this cry for help. Firstly, notice how much negative self talk there is in these two short paragraphs. 'I think he will say no'. 'I think she would have a better shot at it than I' 'If he says no, I will feel so humiliated I would probably have to leave work'. Before you start to flirt with anyone, its important to feel good about yourself. Believe me I have known many flirts in my time and not all of them are preppy white girls who are a size 4. Good flirts come in all shapes sizes and colours but they have one thing in common. They are comfortable and happy with who they are and how they look. I would recommend that you seek out a workshop or course that will help you to find the best in yourself. Insight Seminars are world-wide and may help you to learn to love yourself more. If you constantly decide that the answer will be no before you begin, it will be. Freud says 'we leak the truth from every pore'. If you are approaching men with an air of desperation and an air of 'they' re bound to say no', guess what? They will say no! Secondly, it may be quite true that this guy does prefer preppy white girls. That's the way of the world. We all have some kind of inbuilt template and sensor of pheromones that allow us to know when someone is right for us. Unfortunately, not everyone we like will like us back. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't like YOU do you? This is a very important point. Rejection is a part of life and its a normal human instinct to make choices that are right for us. If someone rejects you, you need to say to yourself, OK, who's NEXT?. Most people not familiar with sales imagine that great sales people get a YES every time. Untrue. They get lots and lots of NO's. What keeps them going? They know that every NO is a step closer to a YES. Thirdly, imagining you will have to leave work if he says no is part of being unable to accept rejection. Often the stories we create in our head are a 100 times worse than the stories other people create about us. Never be ashamed of anything said about you whether it is true or not. Fourthly. Make a list of all your great qualities, because you do have many. What would make you a great catch for someone. If there are things you don't like about yourself, are they changeable? Will changing them change you? Dr Maxwell Maltz the great plastic surgeon noticed that many of his clients would expect to feel good after a nose job. Instead they still felt bad. It wasn't the nose that was the problem, it was their opinion of the nose. If you learn to love yourself more others will follow. Try smiling at yourself in the mirror. Play motivating music like 'Search for the hero inside yourself' or whatever turns you on. Stand tall and breathe deep and say to yourself 'You're OK'. Beauty is born inside. Men will be more attracted to a smiling self-confident girl than an ice-maiden preppy type. Look around, there are plenty of overweight women who are in happy fulfilling relationships. Eating may be your way of punishing yourself. Dieting is not the answer. Finding out how to love yourself is and you will find the weight settles to what's right for you. Lastly, seek out some personal development help. Look in the local paper for seminars or evening workshops on self esteem. Attend a flirting class [I know you are based in the US otherwise I'd invite you to mine!] look in the self-help section of your local bookstore. Join a group that will help you affirm your beauty as a black woman. Start one yourself! Start to explore how to be a better you and you'll be surprised what appears to help you. BUT you must take the plunge first yourself. Hi! I'm a 20 year old male and I seem to have this problem. I can't tell if a girl is flirting or not. What are some things that I could look for? Flirticia says.... Oh dear, I sometimes feel so sorry for you guys. We girls are giving off signals all the time, but sometimes we give off the wrong signals and sometimes we give off mixed ones and even worse, sometimes we suppress the signals when we like someone "I daren't look at him, he might find out I like him". Professor Marilyn Moore did a survey of flirting in singles bars and noticed over 52 signals - and combinations of these so there's a lot to look out for. When she is giving off signals that often unconsciously mark her interest [sometimes consciously, if she's a practised flirt] these are a couple of the more common signals you should watch out for: for the rest watch out for my book coming out in 2000. Ongoing
eye contact - if you catch her looking at
you more than twice she's either interested or your flies
are undone or you look so weird she can't help staring. My advice here is to spend time observing. Start to keep a diary of signals that you notice or think you notice. Go to places where people flirt and take notes [it might even prompt someone to come up and chat to you and you can always say truthfully - you are investigating the signals of flirting!] - This will help you to develop your sensory acuity and make you a much keener spotter of the 'come-hither' signals. NOW that's not all. If a woman is doing some or a lot of these things, its probable that she is interested. BUT, be cautious of diving in at the deep end. Approach her in a laid back and friendly manner. Remember a lot of girls might need time to get to know you as a friend before going on a date. So if you are going to ask her out, make it something non-threatening and relaxing. Don't ask her for a date immediately, chat for a while and get a sense of communication and rapport going. A little mystery never did any harm. [See below for when its important to pick up on a woman's 'I want it and I want it now' signals!!!!!] Great
web-site...not that I want to admit to needing much help
in this regard, but we all need a refresher now and
again. Flirticia says.... Ah to play by The Rules or not to play The Rules, the age old dilemma. Why is it that making it known that you had a really good time with someone is thought of as being 'desperate'.... What do you out there think? So many people can miss out on opportunities by not letting people they really like know that they are interested. I wrote about my friend who wouldn't look at the guy she fancied in the restaurant because she 'didn't want him to know she liked him'. He walked out. On the other hand I remember writing in my diary when I met my partner that it was wonderful that he didn't want [I should have changed that to 'appear to want' as I couldn't know what he wanted - we didn't discuss it!] to jump all over me as was often the case with men I met! Later I discovered that indeed he did want to do just that - after all he's a man and men think about sex rather often! What he did say was that whilst that was what he wanted, he preferred to know someone as a person before sleeping with them. He also confessed that he knew it was a tactic that would work. Hmm maybe he should write The Rules for Men - in fact maybe we should do it together! And then there is the example of my friend Lenny. He went out with his first girlfriend and decided to restrain his baser desires. One day she asked him if he wanted to make a move on her. He shook his head, nodding violently inside, saying 'No, I prefer to wait'. She dumped him. Lenny's cousin subsequently took the same girl out on a date. The next day he called Lenny and said ' Boy, she's an animal - we were at it all night'. Lenny said it taught him to go with what he wanted to do and the hell with playing games. The moral of this story - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. My advice, do what your heart tells you. Wait a day then CALL HER, you are DYING TO SEE HER. Fate and your unconscious actions have allowed you a good enough gap in between meeting and calling. AND, have a grrrreat time! smiles Flirticia I don't solve problems by giving advice. People ask for advice to confirm what they unconsciously already know. My function as a therapist and a helper is to facilitate you to discover your own answers and solve your own problems. I offer metaphor and choices - you make the decision - Check out my therapy page
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