Flirting
Academy - Relationship
Contract idea
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This was originally sent to
me as a joke, but it does have some real common sense basis.
Do you
know the real terms of your relationship. What has been agreed and
will be verified by both of you. What agendas do you
have that he/she doesn't know about. What haven't you talked
about? What are you assuming about them? What hopes do
you have for the relationship that you haven't fully discussed with
him/her?
I'm not sure I've got all
these areas sorted! Most of us could do with working out
something that guides us to a better relationship.
Have you got a workable contract with your partner? Is it written
down? If not, this may give you some ideas.
Marriage
does NOT automatically sort problems for you and unfortunately neither does
being in love. What does is good communication, understood
and accepted expectations, and reviews over time.
So when you remove the funny
side from this contract, its actually a
great starting point.
P R E - R E L A T I O N
S H I P A G R E E M E N T
The party of the first part (herein referred to as
"She"), being of sound mind and pretty good
body, agrees to the following with the party of the
second part (herein referred to as "He"):
1. FULL DISCLOSURE
1.1 At the commencement of said relationship
(colloquially referred to as the "first date"),
each party agrees to fully disclose any:
(1) current girl/boyfriends;
(2) dependent children;
(3) bizarre religious beliefs;
(4) phobias and fears;
(5) social diseases;
(6) strange political affiliations; or
(7) currently active relationships with anyone
else that have not yet been terminated.
1.2 Further, each party agrees to make known any
deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with
pets, careers, and/or organised sports.
1.3 Failure to make the disclosures in this clause
will result in the immediate termination of said
relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS
2.1 Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged
the liaison (the "matchmaker") blameless in the
event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a
"real loser" or" psycho woman". (For
definition of "real loser", see "John
DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores,
or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse".
For definition of "psycho woman," see Sharon
Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in
"Fatal Attraction.")
3.DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP
3.1 Should said relationship proceed past the first
date, both parties mutually agree to use the following
terminology in describing their said "dating":
(1) For the first thirty (30) days, both parties
consent to say they are "going out". (This
neither implies nor states any guarantee of
exclusivity.);
(2) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties
may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be
referred to by third parties as "an item";
(3) Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the
first date, either member may elect to use the terms
"girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their
mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a
couple".
3.2 Under no circumstances are the phrases "my
better half," "the little woman",
"the old ball and chain," or "my old
man/lady" acceptable.
3.3 If both parties consent, this timetable may be
sped up PROVIDED THAT if either party "gets too
serious" and disregards this schedule, the other
party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of
"moving too fast" and may once again be said to
be "on the market."
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY
4.1 For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree
not to ask questions about the other party's whereabouts
on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No
unreasonable demands or expectations will be made;
"rights" or "holds" on the other
party's time.
4.2 Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45)
days, if one party continues to be "missing in
action" the "wounded party" agrees to
"give up".
5. DATING ETIQUETTE
5.1 For the first thirty (30) days, both parties
agree:
- to be overly considerate of the other party's
work pressures, schedules, and business
ambitions;
- that all dates will be made at least twenty-four
(24) hours in advance;
- that there will be no "running off in the
middle of the night to console an old
girl/boyfriend"; and
- to strike the phrase "but he/she needs
me" from their vocabularies.
5.2 Further, during the first six- (6) weeks each
member of said relationship agrees to attempt one
spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery
of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers.
5.3 Following the first forty-five (45) days, both
parties will return to their normal personalities.
5.4 Either party must not insist that the other stop
at a particular ATM en route (while on a date) so that
they would save the $1-2 fee for using another ATM other
than his/her own bank. This is viewed as cheap and could
possibly pass over into areas of the relationship which a
person of good upbringing is unaccustomed to and will
quickly tire of.
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT
6.1 It is agreed that, respective gross income aside,
"He" will pick up the tab at all dinners,
clubs, theatres, and breakfasts until:
- He considers her suitably impressed;
- He is broke; or
- He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!"
6.2 This clause does not apply to meals ordered from
the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of
discretionary funds on hand at the time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS
(Occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to
keep my own flat?" codicil)
7.1 Should said relationship progress to the point
where the couple spends more than four nights a week
together, every effort shall be made to split the time
between their respective apartments.
7.2 Further, it is agreed that both parties will
attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or
roommates.
7.3 Both parties will avoid having their mothers call
at 7:30 in the morning.
7.4 He agrees to "pick up after himself"
while in residence at her
apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the
sink and assisting with household duties.
7.5 She agrees to respect his right to keep his
apartment "a mess".
8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD
8.1 For the first three months, each member of the
couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric
use of phrases like "Let's move in together,"
"Why don't we start a family?" and using
archaic terminology-"Let's get married."
9. THE "L" WORD
9.1 For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree
not to use the
phrase "I love you."
9.2 Without limiting the generality of clause 9.1 and
to remove any doubt, the parties are permitted to love
plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a
particular pair of jeans fits, but are not permitted to
state that they love each other.
9.3 Failure by one party to abide by this clause will
result in
the other party using the "G" word...
"Gone."
10. TERMINATION
10.1 Any of the following will be grounds for
immediate termination and final dissolution of said
relationship:
- Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an
- ex-girl/boyfriend;
- Ending any argument with any of the following
- sentences: "My ex used to do that same
thing", "Now I know why your ex
divorced you", or "You women store fat
in your thighs, don't you?"
