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Reprinted articles about Flirting, referencing Flirting Academy, flirting courses, and the book Flirt Coach
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The Independent
The good flirt guide
Flirting isn’t just about impressing
the opposite sex, it’s about getting on with people, says Peta Heskell,
the founder of Britain’s only flirting academy. Nick Duerden enrols
11 July 2002
She looks like Farrah Fawcett’s sister, and is here to teach us how
to flirt. Hallelujah, you might say. She certainly would. “Flirting
is an instinctive social skill, something we are born with,” says
Peta Heskell, with a flick of her hair and a smile that practically
oozes pheromones. “A baby, for example, flirts to attract our
attention, to make us do whatever it wants.” It is, she says, a
vastly useful and endlessly beneficial skill that, used correctly, can
improve the quality of our life. It is simply a question of re-learning
what has been buried during adolescence. “As sexually mature
adults, we are taught not to demand attention. The instinct is
repressed. What I do is help people rediscover that ability.”
And I am here to learn from the master, or mistress. Not,
unfortunately, in order to be transformed into a babe magnet (I’ve a
long-term girlfriend, and Ms Heskell says it wouldn’t be ethical,
despite my protestations), but to make me, in general, more successful
in life: making friends, influencing people – that sort of thing.
She smiles very wide, teeth everywhere, and makes me a coffee with
three heaped teaspoons of Coffee Mate. Then she lights up the first of
several cigarettes. “This is going to be fun,” she says. I
swallow my Nescafé and wish for some real milk.
Peta Heskell is founder of The Flirting Academy, the place single,
lonely and occasionally desperate people turn to for help. Set up three
years ago, she offers intimate, one-to-one sessions that take place
either in her small suburban studio flat or on the telephone, alongside
weekend-long seminars for the rather princely sum of £250. She claims a
pretty impressive success rate: one couple who met on her course are
about to tie the knot – and, in true Cilla fashion, she’s already
bought the hat. She has been on a Channel 4 documentary, The School
for Seduction, appeared on early morning talk shows, and has sat
upon Richard and Judy’s settee. And, she says, she regularly gets
e-mails from satisfied customers.
“Everyone is different,” she says. “Some people just
need one session to get them up and running. I call these my microwave
clients: pop them in for a minute and they are done. But others take
more time. They need chopping, slicing, rearranging and longer, you
know, longer cooking times.” She frowns, and sucks on her
cigarette. “That’s a slightly convoluted metaphor, admittedly, but
you know what I mean.”
She then does a quick assessment of me, accompanied by a tight smile.
I appear, she says, rather analytical, maybe even cynical. I would
almost definitely not be microwaveable. “If you were a proper
client,” she says, “I’d say you’d need quite a few
sessions.” She mock tells me off for asking too many questions. I
plead journalism as a defence. She makes more coffee.
And so who is she, exactly, to make the world a brighter place? A
disarmingly ebullient woman of 50, who could quite easily pass for 40,
Heskell came to this calling after a fluctuating career in, variously,
IT, PR and a multitude of temp jobs. She’s long had an interest in
psychology (although is at great pains to stress she’s no therapist),
studied Neuro Linguistic Programming under the hypnotist Paul McKenna,
and has read a hundred self-help books, some of which clearly worked.
“It’s dangerous to set yourself up as infallible,” she
warns. “The first thing I always tell my clients is that I’m not
perfect, I still make mistakes and will probably continue to do
so,” She laughs out loud, spluttering like a machine-gun. “But
one thing I am good at is interacting and communicating with people,
making them feel good.”
She’s right about that. Although she could talk for England, she’s
also a good listener. When you talk, she smiles, she nods, she says:
“That’s a terrific question,” and you are inclined to believe
her. She is also an incorrigible flirt. She’s all smiles and twinkly
eyes; she smokes cigarettes the way Lauren Bacall might once have done;
she paints her toenails a very bright red, and is forever crossing and
uncrossing her legs, draping an arm casually over one knee, maintaining
full eye contact under heavy lids.
Adopting a rather flirtatious manner myself, I tell her this.
“Ah yes, but you will have noticed that it’s completely
non-sexual,” she says. “As we’ve been talking, I’ve mentioned
my boyfriend several times, which should have subconsciously given you
the message that I’m not available. What I’m doing with you is what I
would encourage you to do with me, your friends, your colleagues,
everyone. Flirting isn’t just about getting off with the opposite sex.
It’s about meeting people, breaking down barriers and being
friendly.”
She tells me that when I next meet my editor, I should smile, I
should take an interest in whatever they say, and complement them
wherever possible. “The effect will be tremendous,” she beams.
I tell her that most of my interaction with editors occurs via
e-mail, technology having killed the personal touch. But she refuses to
be disheartened. “Well, that’s unfortunate, but not insurmountable.
Even in e-mails you can be chatty, you can be approachable, witty and
likeable. Try it, you’d be surprised by the results.”
The reason she knows that all this works, she insists, is because
this is the way she lives life herself. Much like a religious zealot,
but without the good book, she approaches complete strangers in the
street every day and engages them in conversation. They talk about the
weather, the bus timetable…. She knows the names of every cashier at
her local Marks & Spencer, and whenever she finds herself in
television studios – Ms Heskell likes to name drop, to remind you that
she’s done plenty of TV.
I ask her whether people ever think she’s mad. Her response is like
an elongated exclamation mark. “No! Of course not! I’m being
friendly to people, that’s all. And friendliness opens so many
doors.”
And it is this, she says, that she ultimately promotes. “Be who
you are, love yourself, give out a glow. Was it Freud who said, ‘you
leak the truth from every pore’? Well, what that means is, if you feel
like shit, then you will leak shit. But if you love yourself, you will
smell ever so much sweeter.”
On the train back into London, I convince myself I smell like
lavender. I smile at the lady in front of me. She scowls right back. I
wink at the attractive blonde opposite, but she simply gazes right
through me. And back at Waterloo, the rush of stern-faced people is
simply too much for a novice like me to even contemplate winning over.
This, I fear, will take time.
Flirt your way to success
Peta Heskell
FLIRTING, from the old French word fleurter, meaning to flower, isn’t just
restricted to interaction with the opposite sex. It’s also useful in social and
work situations. Flirting is an ability to connect to people, showing them you
are interested in them, giving compliments and making people feel happy and at
ease in your company. Here, flirt coach PETA HESKELL shows you how to master the
art and make yourself irresistible.
SECRETS OF SUCCESS
SUCCESSFUL flirts gain a rapport with almost anyone. They view all people as
interesting, are upbeat and positive.
Polished flirts are in touch with their own reactions and sexual energy, and
know when to take flirting to the next level and when to stop. Great flirts feel
good about themselves and transmit that to others.
1 WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT?
SOME people define themselves by their work, some by their sexuality and
others by their relationships. The real shame is in living a life that is not
right for you. The moment you create your own definition of a fulfilling life is
when you’ll succeed.
Only then will you exude an inner confidence and an ability to flirt with
life.
2 FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF
GOOD flirts don’t depend on others to feel good. They create their own good
times, which draws others to them.
Laughter fuels their sense of wellbeing.
It releases a chemical which triggers feel-good opiates and endorphins.
3 SHARPEN YOUR SENSES
TO BE a superb flirt, it’s important to be aware of the signals people send
out when expressing interest. They include accidentally brushing up against you,
smiling broadly at you, beckoning you with their head or hands, dilating their
pupils and playing with their tie or jewellery.
4 BUILD UP BETTER BELIEFS
WHAT we believe is the driving force behind what we do. Great flirts live by
empowering beliefs.
They believe they are sexy and other people are interesting. They are driven
by positive, energising beliefs. But less confident people are weakened by
limiting thoughts which become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe you
are not attractive, you will act as though you are not.
5 AWAKEN YOUR SEXUALITY
SEXUALITY is an energy that runs through us. Enjoying our sexuality
increases our wellbeing and natural flirtatiousness. When you have a good sex
life, you are more likely to feel good about yourself.
Awakening your sexual energy doesn’t mean using your sexuality to get what
you want. Some people give off too much sexual energy, others too little.
When you have adjustable sexual energy, you will become a very polished
flirt.
6 GIVE OUT THE GLOW
WHEN you radiate an inner glow, you will develop a deep rapport with people,
and your relationships will be more fun and more rewarding. You can achieve this
by:
* MAKING EYE CONTENT: Your eyes are one of our most powerful signals. Make
sure you make eye contact. If you find this difficult, practise in everyday
situations.
* SMILING: When you smile you are saying to the world: ‘I am a positive
person.’ Start practising with a false smile and it will turn into a real one.
* AVOIDING CORNY CHAT-UP LINES: You will communicate more through the way
you feel and the energy you exude than any fancy words. If specific chat-up
lines work, it’s often because the people using them feel great enough about
themselves to take the risk.
Instead, most great flirts get people to open up and talk by asking
questions.
* GIVING COMPLIMENTS: When you feel good about yourself, you appreciate the
best in other people.
Make sure you are generous enough to tell them, whether it’s the fact you
admire their independent spirit, that they are a good listener or you like the
way that they smile.
* BEING A SUNSHINER: How do you react to life’s challenges?
Sunshiners look on the bright side, see the funny side of things, notice
what’s good about others and, when faced with challenges, ask how they can learn
from them.
They spend most of the time being who they are. Seek out Sunshiners and
avoid Black-clouders because their negative energy can overshadow you.
When you choose the sunshine path, you’ll glow, an essential ingredient of
successful flirting.
* CREATING DEEP RAPPORT: If you get on with someone easily, the chances are
you have a deep, natural rapport with them. But there are ways to create that in
a flirtatious encounter which will help you socially, professionally and
romantically. Synchronise and match the other person’s breathing pattern, tone
of voice and the way they talk.
When you match someone at their level, they feel comfortable.
But be warned: using these skills to manipulate others in a way that is not
useful to them will be counterproductive.
* USING PERSUASIVE, POWERFUL LANGUAGE: You can charm and influence people by
what you say and how you say it. All good flirts do this naturally. Use words
which clarify what you want people to do or feel – not what you don’t.
For example: ‘Would you like to get together for a coffee on Wednesday or
Saturday?’ This is also an example of a persuasive language pattern. It gives
the listener a choice but also presupposes the response you seek.
WRONG SIGNALS
TO ANSWER this you should ask yourself:
DO YOU TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY?
JENNY, a successful advertising executive, felt she had to fight her way to
the top. Good at what she did, she ‘didn’t tolerate fools’.
She’d been passed over for an account directorship by another woman because
Jenny equated success with being tough and serious. She thought she had to
suppress her feminine qualities to succeed. The woman who pipped her to the post
was equally good at her job, but was also easy and fun to work with.
DO YOU USE YOUR SEXUALITY TO GET WHAT YOU WANT?
WOMEN who don’t like themselves very much, or feel insecure, often use
sexual magnetism to get what they want.They know men are drawn to it.
Rachel confessed she was a classic sexual flirt. She thought the only way
she could attract the attention of a man was to promise sex. She turned it on
full blast and then wondered why men always made a grab for her.
Sexuality can be used exquisitely, when the time is right, to draw someone
to us. There are also times when it isn’t appropriate or fair to flirt sexually.
DO YOU REPRESS YOUR SEXUALITY FOR FEAR OF WHAT IT MAY AROUSE?
NAOMI was terrified of flirting, fearing the reaction it would cause.
She was scared of the power of her sexuality, and saw a man’s reaction as a
sign he was bound to expect sex.
Somewhere along the line, Naomi had been told men were uncontrollable
animals and women must temper their behaviour so as not to arouse them. Naomi
learned to accept that it’s natural for men to find her attractive, instead of
seeing herself as a wicked temptress.
ARE YOU A SAFETY-FIRST FLIRT?
LEANNE was quite good at flirting – with the wrong men. If she liked
someone, she wouldn’t flirt with him for fear of being rejected.
Instead, she flirted with people who seemed interested in her.
She flirted herself into a string of unhappy relationships.
Eventually, she learned to go for what she wanted, instead of what she
thought was her lot.
Abridged by MARY HAMPSHIRE from Flirt Coach: How To Flirt For Friendship,
Love And Professional Success, by Peta Heskell (Thorsons, GBP 7.99).
Evening Standard
Dangerous liaisons; It’s safer in cyberspace
Fiona Mcneill
Spring is in the air and love is all around in the office. But despite improving attitudes, says Fiona McNeill, discretion is still the safest option
AFTER a lot of time, effort and probably money, an academic at Montana State
University in the United States has produced a report telling us that romance in
the workplace is good for you. A frisson of desire, he says, makes employees
happier, more co-operative and more productive.
Well, of course it does! Sending silly emails to your loved one is much more
fun than working, while squeezing a friendly kneecap can lighten the most
drawn-out of meetings. Besides, it gives your colleagues something to talk
about.
But just when you thought it was safe to wear your heart on your pinstripes
comes the news that some London firms are thinking of introducing “love
contracts”, banning their staff from having relationships with each other.
What are we to make of such confusing information?
Is the corporate Cupid friend or foe?
“Office romances aren’t good or bad, they’re a reality,” says Cary Cooper,
professor of organisational psychology and health at the University of
Manchester Institute of Science and Technology. “In the UK, we work the longest
hours in Europe, so people spend a lot of time together and they socialise with
each other after work. We haven’t time to do anything else, so where else are we
going to meet someone?”
At the central London shipping company where accountant Alison Meade met her
husband Aidan, long hours were the norm and office romance was rife. “I can
think of at least six couples who met at work and that’s just the finance
department,” says Alison. “Some people were open about it and others kept their
relationships quiet, but it never got in the way of work. The bosses didn’t
object. Everyone was mature about it and there was no teasing.”
Nevertheless, Alison and Aidan chose to keep their relationship secret for
two years until they got engaged. By that time, Aidan, also an accountant, had
joined another firm. “There was no reason to keep it quiet except for privacy,”
he says.
“It wasn’t difficult. We worked on different floors so we often wouldn’t see
each other all day anyway.”
But not all workplace romances have a happy ending, as Charlotte Lewis
discovered when she joined the marketing department of a company in west London.
“My boss was having an affair with one of the directors,” she recalls.
“She was divorced but he was still married. Then she discovered he was also
seeing one of the juniors in her department and she went ballistic. There were
shouting matches in her office and, on one occasion, I found her crying in the
toilets. The atmosphere was dreadful but no one dared say anything so we all
pretended nothing was happening. I felt sorry for her but she was very difficult
to work for and she became worse. I left as soon as I could.”
Situations like this illustrate why some organisations, particularly in
north America, favour the love contract approach, says Professor Cooper.
“They’re worried about the fallout when relationships go wrong,” he says.
“It can really lower the morale of the workforce.
But I think contracts are a ridiculous idea.
Companies need to provide commonsense guidelines on office romances.”
As with Alison and Aidan, office romances are best conducted with someone
you don’t see often during the working day, Cooper cautions. And if there’s a
difference in status between you and your partner, be aware of the extra
complications that could arise.
“If you’re a manager going out with a subordinate, you need to be sure
you’re not seen as giving privileges to your partner,” he says. “It’s best to be
open. Tell your staff what’s going on so they don’t feel they’re being treated
unfairly.”
EVEN if you’re open about your romance, keep it lowkey during office hours.
All the world loves a lover but no one wants the embarrassment of walking in
on an illicit clinch in the stationery cupboard. But there’s always time for a
little office flirting; to get yourself in the mood (and we’re talking harmless
fun here), go to www.flirtzone.com, the official site of the Flirt Coach
(corporate trainer turned flirting maestro Peta Heskell) and her Flirting
Academy.
According to the expert, flirting is: “feeling so good about yourself that
you give out the glow to other people which makes them feel good draws them
irresistibly towards you.” To get that glow, she runs courses that teach you
how, among other things, to dance the merenge and detect sexy signals in other
people.
There are also a host of articles to reassure you that your flirtiness isn’t
mere fun – it can give your career a boost too. According to a survey of 2,000
women by New Woman online magazine, 83 per cent of respondents said male
colleagues had made a pass at them. Of those, only one per cent had lodged a
complaint, 43 per cent felt flattered, 26 per cent laughed it off, while 30 per
cent made a date.
“Wow!” writes Peta. “That’s what I like to hear.” There are even corporate
courses available , including Charming Connections, where you can brush up on
your “people polishing” skills and get a bit of team interaction going.
Friendly people tend to flirt. But what if that banter turns into a fully
fledged relationship? Great for the couple, not necessarily so great for their
manager. If you’ve got some lovebirds on your team, glean some advice from
www.ehow.com. Go to the finance/business index, under “running a business”, and
there’s a very sensible guide on “how to handle an office romance between two
employees”. The number-one nugget is Stay Out Of It (from a management
perspective). “Rules against office romance tend to be counterproductive and
unenforceable.” Uh, really? Another tip is to avoid having either employee
confide in you about the romance – no matter how gossip-laden those titbits may
be.
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