It’s that time of year when everyone’s mind turns to parties and festivities— are your flirting skills tuned up for the holiday double season? Here’s a few tips:
First start to feel good about yourself. You won’t flirt successfully unless you do. Ladies remember that you can flirt sexually and non-sexually. There will always be a sexual tinge to flirting, it’s natural, but you must recognise when you are over-flirting. If you just want to be nice to people and have fun, turn down the sexuality.
Men are easily misled by our OTT signals, and sometimes women do it because it’s the only way they know how to get attention. Are you one of these women? If you are, remember, if you don’t want someone to pester you for sex, then don’t send out sexual signals.
Men, remember that some women do this, be careful how you approach them. When you go to chat up someone, keep this in mind, you just want to meet new people and have some fun. BUT don’t turn off your sexuality completely. Women are unconsciously attracted to men at a `below stairs’ level.
Men who end up doing the decorating instead of other things in the bedroom are probably shutting down their sexual signals. Keep your alcohol levels in control. Women find it easier to let their hair down when they’ve had a few – and if you don’t want to wake up to someone and wonder how on earth you got there, keep your drinking in check.
Men, women really dislike drunk men. If you don’t control your alcohol intake, you may find yourself approaching women in a less than desirable manner. Don’t be surprised if you are sent away with a giant flea in your ear.
PARTY PALS OR CONVERSATION STOPPERS
Do you have to go to a party with a friend? Do you feel uncomfortable without someone around to back you up? If you do, you may be reducing your chances of meeting new people. It’s easy to hang out with friends and then complain that you never meet anyone new.
If you get invited to a party and don’t know anyone, see this as an exciting opportunity to meet new people. Ask your host or hostess to introduce you to someone you like. Stand around for a while and observe, tell yourself you are fine and that you are just enjoying watching the people.
Notice groups break up and reform and know that you can stand on the edge of a group and wait for a moment to break in to the conversation. If you see someone else alone, go and talk to them, they’re probably just as shy as you.
NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS
If you are wondering whether 2000 is going to be the year you find that special relationship but not sure how to go about it, try attending a flirting workshop with me. I’m running one in the UK on Feb 13th, just before Valentines and one in Amsterdam on Jan 22 and 23 – see details at the end of this mail. IT’S ALL OKAY THE WAY IT IS If you can find a way to be more who you are, at your best, and working from that space, you will find yourself easily going through any situation and being OK with it.
When Channel 4 released the film of my flirting weekend, on first viewing I laughed my socks off, on second viewing I got worried it was a travesty of my work and on third viewing I thought, everyone will have a different opinion and it’s OK.
Shortly after the film aired 3 people who had booked on my workshop called to either withdraw or to get reassurance. All 3 of those people attended the workshop and had an amazing experience.. One person, Paul Barnett, who was the first to try to cancel, but who wisely agreed to give it a try had a powerful change experience. He wrote me a long testimonial and not only said that I could publish it but he also offered to to talk to anyone who was thinking of attending a workshop but not sure.
Another participant, Adrian Dale, got so much out of it that he volunteered to talk to people in the same way. A lady on the workshop sent me an email and said `You taught me to flirt with life’. That’s some testimonial and there are more.
When I watched the film, which aired 3 days before my flirting weekend, I said to myself, it will all be OK.
As it happens, I was dropped from a series called Confidence Lab, where they will be putting 12 people in a country house and bombarding them with therapists. At first the programme makers were so excited about the work I did with 5 volunteers, that they wanted me to be one of the main therapists.
After the C4 TV programme they decided I wouldn’t be suitable. More fool them, and great for me. There are hundreds of books, pop groups and actors and tv programmes out there that when they first offered themselves to the world were royally rejected, and for all of those successful people and programmes and books there are some poor agents, programme makers, publishers sitting in their office tearing out their hair saying ‘If only I’d realised’.
The point is that it’s the people with vision and insight and risk takers that get to sign up the best people. Those who play safe may win out in the short term, but in this game long term they usually end up as losers… When someone rejects you, it is not about you. It is either that they don’t have much foresight or you are not right for them. And it’s important to be OK with whatever happens. That’s when new opportunities start to unfold, as you put aside the old ones, and open out to the new.. I didn’t get upset. As I put down the phone I said,something better will come up. And indeed it did.
And if that doesn’t come off, there are at least 4 other projects I’m working on and who knows what else is out there waiting for me to come along… mmmm life is a series of doors, all waiting to be opened. As my friend Lesley said `one door closes, three more open’. How true.
One girl who attended the flirting weekend has asked me to run a corporate training teaching the front of house staff ‘charm’. Now there’s someone with foresight! If you experience some kind of rejection whether it is being dumped by a partner, or stood up on a date or just not getting that job you wanted, it always pays to say `whatever happens, its OK’.
Now I know that’s not as easy as it sounds, and this is the essence of the private work I do with people and to some extent the work I do in the flirting playshops. When you can take rejection as someone making a decision that is right for them, and tell yourself that there is always something better around the corner, you will be surprised how true it is.
If you need some help in developing a new attitude, call me on 0700 4 354 784 or email me.
THE WEBSITE Some of you may have seen my plea for a web designer on the site, well it paid off. I now have Nick and Denise Barnard, a great husband and wife team of technical developer and graphic designer.. who will be working hard to put together a fantastic new site for me in the early New Year. This site will eventually have an online shop, interactive stuff, facilities to book on workshops by credit card, in fact lots of interesting stuff including video shots and audio clips.. the sky’s the limit…It’s undergoing a total revamp. It’s also being moved to a fast, professional server, Net Direct.
USA FLIRTING in SAN FRANCISCO When I started my flirting playshops, I contacted many friends around the world who gave me some top advice. Jonathan Altfeld is a fellow NLP trainer who has also run flirting days in Florida. He gave me some very useful tips and now Jonathan and I are planning a joint flirting event in California. The last word was that it will be in San Francisco. Probably the coolest city in the world, well that’s my opinion. We are planning to run it from a Friday night to a Sunday evening. There will be plenty of new stuff and an enormous amount of fun. This will be one of the more prestigious events of the year. So, if you fancy a trip to the States and learning with two great trainers, then let us know. We are planning to run it in late August or the first week in September. We’ll keep you posted on the website.
SIGNALS OF FLIRTING – STAGES TO NON VERBAL INTIMACY Dr Timothy Perper was one of many psychologists and social anthropologists who studied flirting behaviours. He said there are 5 stages of intimacy which he observed, without which the encounters usually didn’t come to much. Martin Lloyd Eliot, author of `The Secrets of Sexual Body Language’ has reduced it to 3 stages.
Lloyd Eliot’s theory is this:
Stage 1 Courtship readiness Eyes brighten Skin around the eyes smoothes out muscles become toned body more erect complexion reddens, or changes colour
Stage 2 Positioning for Courtship Personal space encroached on then merged Stance leaning towards each other Bodies angled at 45 degrees Speech tone and volume are lower
Stage 3 Actions of Appeal and Invitation Preening leakage Autoerotic touching `accidental touching’ Flirtatious glances, gaze holding, hand and on hip.. and I’m going to stop there.
These are all interesting bits of information. And on my flirting workshops I always have a set of handouts with this kind of stuff. I told the people who ask for them that they are to satisfy their need for information. I do not hold great store by these things.
Firstly, if people get lists of things to watch for, they may find themselves going inside their heads and asking `is that a signal’ is that `preening’. By the time they have decided, the person has gone through a number of changes and sent out all sorts of signals and THEY HAVE MISSED them!
Far better to start practising your detective skills.. go out with friends or on your own with a notebook and start researching this stuff. Observe and become a secret detector of signals. What you want is for this stuff to become unconscious so that you can become aware of it, without having to verbalise it, you just know…
I know it sounds difficult, but a little bit of practice in shutting up inside, being open to the world and observing and sensing others is going to do you more good than a load of books – read the books after you can do the work!!!
CASE HISTORIES
I am compiling a series of case histories based on real life stories. I have already published one on the website, which was sent to me after the person heard me on the radio. I have added some comments.
The purpose of this is to give people an insight into some of the problems faced by other people and some ideas on what they need to deal with. I find people usually come to me for help with some purpose in mind. It’s often that they want to find a relationship, or they want to be able to chat up women better, but all of these are surface things.
When you feel great about yourself and are true to who you are, all these things fall into place. Many women [and men] want a relationship because it is secure, because they want to do things with someone else, but sometimes when they examine their motives, it is because they are not totally happy with themselves, and expect a relationship to solve it. Until you are ready you will not find it. When you are ready and open and whole, then you will find yourself drawing to you the right people.. just by being who you are.
When someone comes to me for flirting tips, it’s often something much deeper that they need. And as far as I am concerned, all of this stems to how you are with yourself. It’s not just saying `I’m OK’ `I like myself’ its about how you react in certain situations. Do you think someone is getting at you? Do you think other people are always in the wrong? Do you feel victimised? Do you often get angry when other people seem to disagree?
All of these and a multitude of other ways we have of being are destructive to our own well-being.
So, I am going to suggest that you start making a list of all the wonderful things about YOU. What are you good at? What are your best qualities and assets. Keep on writing stuff down each day. Have a focus on finding out the best of you. as if you were a private detective hired to find out everything you can about yourself..
Ask your friends and family as well as yourself and make it a rule that you only want the good, not the criticism. If you have that feeling inside that says, I want more from life, it’s just not quite `right’ [we're not talking about perfection here], then get in tune with those feelings.. start opening out to the possibilities of help out there. This needn’t be a painful process. Nearly everyone I know who has gotten into some kind of personal development has had a wonderful time learning on the way. There are lots of courses and therapists out there who can facilitate you to find a more positive attitude and discover who you really are. If you live in London and want to work with me, call me on 0700 4 354 784 or email me at info@f… .
MILLENIUM motivation As we move into a new millennium, it’s an opportunity to start anew. This is not about making New Year’s resolutions, it is about making one resolution, to discover the wonder inside you and let it out.. onto the world… that’s what flirting is about. Great flirts do it with everyone. Telea Juna, a facilitator and healer, attended my recent workshop and she sent me her views on flirting. I leave you with her words .
“Flirting doesn’t always have to be to ‘get’ something back, it can be simply to express your Joy for Life, and people you are with at the time. Joy has a way of flowing over to others and they ‘catch’ it, that is a way of flirting too, because you are teasing the Joy from people so they can join you in a happy space for a time!
F un and laughter fill you, and you radiate….
Love always with 100% of yourself, and everyone’s a winner,
I n the midst of your fears…….
R emember you deserve the best, and so do they!
Take deep breaths of Life, and take a risk,
I n every risk there is the seed of success,
N urture yourself and others, and you will feel safe,
G o for it, or you’ll never know what ‘might have been’!
Flirting to me, is feeling free and confident in myself, to engage the attention of others in an exchange without words, a dance of feelings, sharing an expression of who I Am, heart to heart with another. This feeling can be applied to any living thing, a person, an animal (animals love to flirt, have you noticed cats and dogs!), plants, trees, cars (when they won’t start, a dose of talking to your car in a flirtatious way can get it going – at least it stops you from being angry instead, and is therefore more productive!)” Thank you Telea and finally, I wish that 2000 will for you be the continuation or even the beginning of finding out who you are and how you are at your best.. In fact how are you when you are at your best? Happy holidays
Nov 2000 Flirting Academy News
Hello all,
Firstly enormous apologies for not sending out this newsletter regularly. I have been busy writing and editing my book ‘Flirt Coach’ which is to be released by Harper Collins/Thorsons on March 19th 2001 in the UK and in June in the US. I’ve also been doing lots of other interesting things such as TV work which brings me neatly on to how people define flirting and what they think can be taught.
DESPERATION V HEALTHY DESIRE
Last week I was asked to go on a TV programme about women who wanted to marry rich men. I was told there was a lady who was DESPERATE to marry a rich man. They asked me if I could give her some flirting lessons to help her catch her man. My answer was – the only lesson I’d give her is to teach her not to be desperate.
Desperation is not the same thing as really wanting something. When you really want something, I’ve found that a good way to begin to draw it to you is to do the following exercise.
1. Imagine what it is that you want to have happen [be realistic - marrying Robbie Williams when you are 45 is probably not realistic - although I've met his father who is 50'is and he's very very nice!!!!].
2. Make an image of it and make the image very lifelike and lifesize. We all do this all the time – seeing things in our mind’s eye [that's why it's called that, we do have an 'eye' in our mind!].
3. Make sure that the image and what is happening is like a movie, not still.
Make sure you are in it!!!
4. The best way to real-eyes [make it real to your eyes - realize!!!] this is to step into the image.
5. You should be seeing what happens around YOU not watching yourself far away doing it.
6. Say to yourself what you’d like to hear being said or imagine the voice of the person you’re with saying nice things to you
7. Make sure you get nice feelings and notice where they are in your body.
8. Focus your attention on these feelings and imagine them moving all round your body and increasing in intensity.
9. Now let go of the image and the desire and say
10. I’m putting this out there and if it is to happen it will.
One of the biggest impediments to realising our dreams is worrying about them and spending time wanting them in a desperate way. Saying things like ‘why can’t I have what I want’ or ‘I really need a man to make me complete’ or I must find a woman soon or else’ are not helpful. They enhance desperation. Acknowledging and then letting go of what we want is the surest way to allow it to come to us naturally.
I was in a relationship that was not right for the next stage of my life’s journey. I didn’t want to face the pain of giving up and moving and leaving my home, my cat and someone who adored me. I was afraid. I spent a lot of time debating with myself and ignoring the part of me that said ‘you must do this for your own good’. What happened? I found myself starting a wild fling with another man. It didn’t last long, but I realise now that it was my body’s way of making me sit up and take notice. My partner found out and yet, it wasn’t until 3 years later that I finally took action and moved on to continue my journey in a different way.
Don’t allow yourself to wait longer than you need to. Begin to listen to what your heart and soul are telling you.
FLIRTING TIPS
I’ve seen quite a bit in the press about a lady who is teaching ‘power flirting’. She professes that if you follow her tips you’ll get a rich man. Other people have websites selling things like pheremones and giving tips to guys on opening lines. NONE of this stuff will work unless you feel good about yourself. FIRST you have to get those great feelings inside and then you’ll start to leak it to others.
No one wants to be with a miserable person. If you are always whining and complaining, chances are the potential person of your dreams will notice this. They’ll make vivid images of going on a date with you and having you complain about where you go, the food, the coffee, the music – whatever. And, they’ll think.. no way!
Your best chance of attracting people to you is to be happy and sunshiney. Now I know some of you might say.. but that’s not easy. No, it isn’t always easy in the sense that you just read this and do it. BUT to be a moaning minnie or whinging walter is evern worse… it actually damages your immune system. Try faking a smile right now. Research proves that even when you fake it, you are creating different reactions in your body to being miserable… Try it.. Pretend to smile.. turn up the corners of your mouth and just smile.. the thought of doing such a silly thing might even make you smile!!!!
FLIRTING IS HEALTHY
A lady did a study in New York of flirts. She discovered that people who flirt more often have higher white cell counts and are generally healthier. When people are thinking nice thoughts, their immune system gets boosted. You know those lovely feelings you can get. I get them when I come home from being away and see my cat at the door. You may have them with a best friend, or someone you love. You may just get it when you see your home all tidy and neat or after achieving something, or when you are praised at work or watch a romantic movie. You definitely get them when you are sexually aroused.
These feelings are actually chemicals moving around in your body. They are what I call the ‘happy chemicals’. They do you good. So doesn’t it make sense to do things that make you feel good and are good for you at the same time? I think it does!
HOW DO I GET TO FEEL GOOD
There are many books and courses out there that are good starters to help you get into the feelgood way of living. The Flirting Weekend is designed to do just that. I have done lots of different courses in my search to feel better and enjoy my life more. Over the years I have noticed such big changes in my life. I used to work as a secretary and hated it [this is a great job if you enjoy it as are all jobs]…. I resented having to do things that weren’t me… I found myself going to the self-help bookshelves and picking up books and browsing.
A quick visit to your local bookstore or Amazon.com or .co.uk with a search on personal development, will reveal shelves of books designed to help you make more of your life.. The journey of a lifetime starts with the first step… take yours today. SMILE.. right now.. and say to yourself – it can only get better!!!
RIDDING YOURSELF OF NEGATIVE THOUGHTS
Have you ever thought horrid things about people. I certainly have. I might think it does me good, but all it does is generate ‘misery chemicals’ in my body. Try this for one day. Each time you think badly of someone, perhaps someone in a queue, or someone who cut you up on the road, or someone who isn’t very nice to you, or someone you are jealous of. Say to yourself… they are only human, I forgive them and send them a little bit of love. Try it and see how it makes you feel… probably better!!!
At the end of the day, when you take a shower, stand there and say to yourself.. I’m sending all the bad thoughts I’ve had down the plughole back into the earth, where they will get turned into goodness. Actually if you know anything about how nature works, dead animals rot into the earth to provide nutrition for other plants and food. When we breathe out we get rid of waste, carbon dioxide. Carbon dioxide is to plants what oxygen is to us. Plants take in our carbon dioxide as if it were a gourmet meal and expel their waste.. oxygen.. the food of life to us!!! It is a really good system.
FLIRTING EVENTS
I’m holding some flirting events in the UK and Amsterdam in the next few months.. I’ve already got quite a few participants for the December flirting weekend..
December 2nd and 3rd. I have lots of men, but not enough women [what is it that holds women back from actually coming on these weekends? The ones that do come love every moment of it and get great results!!!]. So, I’m offering a special deal to women.
LADIES DEAL UK FLIRTING WEEKEND DEC 2/3 LONDON
Book onto the December 2nd and 3rd Flirting weekend in London and pay only £175 for the weekend instead of £250.00. Bring a friend who books at the same time and pay only £330 between two [that's £165.00 each].
AMSTERDAM FLIRTING APRIL 2001
I’m planning to go to Amsterdam at the end of April – the weekend of 21/22 to run another European/international Flirting Weekend. Last year even in cold and wet January, we had people from Belgium, Holland, Germany and the UK all gathered together to have a great fun-filled flirty weekend.
This year, I’m planning an even better weekend, with more people, more activities and more fun. It promises to be the flirting event of the year. Amsterdam is a wonderful city, full of warm, open and laid back people. The canals and small streets are great to wander around and the city is small enough to feel at home in quickly. There are great unique shops and of course the red light district and coffee shops are often a fun attraction.
If you are interested in attending this weekend and think it might be a great excuse to add a couple of extra days and treat yourself to a holiday… then let me know. I’m going to compile a list of good value hotels or websites where you can find accommodation. Flights from other parts of Europe and the UK are very very reasonable.. even as low as £30 return if you book far ahead enough. Perhaps even its an opportunity for some of you in the States to get on over to Europe at the same time as improving your life and flirtatiousness!!!
All in all, Amsterdam is a great European venue and I’m looking forward to meeting some of you there.
FLORIDA FLIRTING
I co-hosted and trained a wonderful 3-day seminar in Florida with my friend Jonathan Altfeld. I love Jonathan because he is naughty and flirty [he isn't traditionally hunky, but women seem to flock to him.. probably because he is so happy with himself!]… We had a great time, had some amazing feedback from participants and met people from all over. We’re planning another event next year, probably in late Autumn, which may be held somewhere else in the States. If you know of any great venues and can suggest a good central location that is WELL served with flights in and out of major US cities and Europe.. then do get in touch…
A DIFFERENT WAY OF THINKING
When I offer deals to fill up my flirting weekends, it isn’t a problem that I’m getting less money. I’m not saying I don’t like money, but I don’t want to make it my goal. I think when you enjoy what you do, and put your all into it, good things happen as a result. These weekends are part of something bigger. They are a minute part of my aim to spread the word to people that feeling good about yourself and going out there and making others feel the same is very very important…
Marianne Williamson said
“Success means that we go to sleep at night knowing that our talents and abilities were used in a way that serves others”
I also know that when I let go of the desire to trawl in money, and concentrate on having a good time, enjoying my life and my work, I get in more than I need. It’s always the way. Let go and it comes to you.. Like the bird in the cage… Try to keep it chained up and you’ll find it struggling to get away from you..
ATTRACTION ADDICTION
Are you one of those people who is addicted to the idea of attraction? Do you put in masses of effort to the first few heady days of a romantic encounter and then pull back when the movie style effects wear off? Some people expect their life to be one continuous round of how it is when you first meet.
You know the feelings when you first fall into lust… the other person seems to have no flaws. They may hate Italian food while you love it.. so you never suggest going Italian. Because you are so driven by lust, you find yourself saying how much you love to eat Chinese, just to please them, when actually it’s not your favour ite at all. Then you find yourself saying how it doesn’t matter that they want to watch the game all night, you like it too when in reality you hate it. You blind yourself to any of their habits because you want to believe they are perfect. You are seeing the other person through rose coloured glasses AND what’s worse, you are deleting parts of yourself to fit into the dream of romance you are creating.
I’m not saying that after the initial romance wears off it all goes downhill.. NO! I am saying that if you set someone up on a pedestal and see them as all perfect, you are probably setting them up for a fall. After the first heady days or weeks of romance, the first moment you notice they have food spilled on their tie, or their hair isn’t quite in place, you will begin to judge them against the idealised version of who you imagined them to be. We are all human… Remember this and remember no one is perfect and it’s not fair to expect them to be just because you imagine they are…
When you can learn to love someone for their flaws as well as the wonderful things that attracted you to them. .. then you will be in a healthy state to develop a great relationship…
I recently started seeing someone who I met in one of those ‘hit with an arrow of desire across the room’ kind of encounters . He had the looks and the energy that attracts me. Our initial encounters were very coloured with the red red tinge of lust! Now that I have got to know him and enjoy not just his body but his company and his mind, I look at him and see the flaws, reminding myself that I too am not perfect and I smile. I laugh with him, do ordinary things with him as well as fun things and somehow although we still have lots of lust, we have accepted each other for who we are.
I’m writing a story about attraction addiction and it will be on my website in a few days.
Check out www.flirtzone.com which is also www.flirtingacademy.com
FLIRTING SOLUTIONS -My overflowing mailbag!
I get lots and lots of mails from people asking things like ‘How do I flirt?’. I just can’t answer questions like this. They are too wide. It’s like asking someone to teach you french by email. It isn’t just a set of techniques you do and everything works. It’s an attitude and a state of being first and then you can play with techniques.
So, while I welcome your mails. I am only able to answer mails with specific questions… or situations. If you are in a situation and want some help do write. I can’t guarantee I’ll answer, but if it interests me I will. Otherwise, sometimes, just writing it is helpful in itself to clarify in your mind what you want.
THERE IS NO MR/MS RIGHT
And now we come to the end of this long belated and awaited newsletter. I leave you with the words, again of Marianne Williamson
“Years ago I would pray for a wonderful man to come and take my desperation away. Ultimately I said to myself “Why don’t you try to deal with that BEFORE he gets here?” I can’t imagine any man [or woman - peta's addition] saying to a friend “Gee, I met a fabulous desperate person last night”!!! Looking for Mr/Miss Right leads to desperation, because there is no Mr/Ms Right. There is whoever is in front of us, and the perfect lessons to be learned from that person.”
My ex-partner has been part of my life’s learning and now remains dear to my heart It isn’t about someone being wrong, it’s about a journey we are making and the companions we meet along the way. Everyone we meet is part of our lesson… and part of our journey…
Smiles to you all
peta
